


What The Heart Remembers

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 15:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5671396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I seem to have this whole life here I remember nothing about...</p>
            </blockquote>





	What The Heart Remembers

My head hurts. 

That is the first thing I become aware of.  
Then slowly other sensations kick in. I’m lying down on some sort of bed. I can hear the soft hiss of an environmental system and below that the hum of warp engines. When I hear the beeping noises of a tricorder, I realize someone is scanning me.

My brain kicks into gear and my eyes fly open. The warrior in me quickly assesses the situation.   
I appear to be on a Starfleet ship, in what seems like the medical bay. I’m not restrained. There is only one other person in the room, a doctor judging by the color of his uniform, hovering over me with a tricorder. 

I flex my muscles and perform a quick internal inventory. I seem to be all there and in good shape. Escape should be easy. 

My heartbeat picks up a notch as I take a deep breath, preparing to move. But before I can execute my escape, the doctor places a hand on my shoulder. 

“Easy there, Lieutenant.” 

Before I can even begin to wonder why he calls me ‘Lieutenant’, the doors to the room open and two other Starfleet people come in. My confusion grows when I recognize one of them. 

“Chakotay.” I utter while my foggy brain struggles to make sense of things as I sit up. “Why are you in that uniform?” I shake my head. “Where are we?” 

Both Chakotay and the woman next to him look at me like I’ve grown a second head. At the same time the doctor picks up his tricorder again and starts scanning my head. 

“I was afraid this might be the case.” He sighs gravely. “Her head injury was pretty serious. It seems Lieutenant Torres has suffered a severe case of memory loss because of the trauma.” 

I blink a couple of times. Memory loss? That’s ridiculous.   
But it could explain why I can’t seem to shake that hazy feeling in my head. 

Three worried faces look at me and Chakotay reaches out, placing his hand on my knee. “What do you remember?” He asks softly. “Do you know who you are?” 

For a lingering moment I think this is a setup, some sort of joke at my expense. But the look in Chakotay’s eyes tells me that’s not the case. I know he’s genuinely worried. 

I take a deep breath before I wrack my brain.  
“My name is B’Elanna Torres. I’m the daughter of Miral and John Torres.” I gaze at Chakotay. “I’m part of a Maquis faction, serving under you on a ship called the Val Jean.” 

I struggle to remember more, but the details are a bit blurry. One thing comes to mind. “I recently rigged a Cardassian tactical missile to take out a Cardassian fuel depot on Aschelan V, without your permission.” I bite my lip as I clearly remember Chakotay’s disappointment with my actions. 

“What year is it?”   
The question as well as the sharp tone at which it is delivered, puzzles me. It’s the first time the woman next to Chakotay speaks since entering the room and her voice catches my attention. It holds command and authority but also something I can’t identify. 

She’s a Captain, I realize as I notice the four pips on her collar.   
She tilts her head, her expression softening marginally as she repeats her question, more gently this time. “According to what you remember, what year do you think it is?”

My brow furrows as I try to recall exactly. “2370?” I venture, reasonably sure that I’m not far off.

The woman’s eyes close briefly and her head drops for a second before she raises it again and exchanges a look with Chakotay. 

“Could someone finally tell me what’s going on here?” I ask, getting annoyed with all the vagueness and the weird questions.

The Captain looks back at me and captures my gaze.   
“It’s 2375.” She states softly. 

I frown as I try to rhyme that piece of information with what I remember. “That can’t be…” I mumble.   
I try hard to remember, but I realize I have no recollection of anything since 2370. I can almost feel my brain short-circuiting while trying to connect the dots with half the dots missing. 

My head seems like it’s about to burst. Numerous questions are bubbling up. Questions to which I have no answers.   
“I think I need to lie down.” I whisper, suddenly feeling like I might pass out. 

Three pairs of hands guide me back onto the biobed and I feel something cool being pressed against my carotid artery. With the soft hiss of a hypospray I’m sent into oblivion once more.

~

When I open my eyes, I find myself still in the Medical Bay.   
Sickbay – I correct myself. Starfleet calls it ‘Sickbay’.

The doctor approaches, tricorder in hand.   
“How are you feeling, Lieutenant?” 

He looks quite normal, but there’s something a little bit ‘off’ about him. I can’t put my finger on it though.

I sit up as I ponder his question. Numerous words jumble through my mind that describe more or less how I feel. I finally settle on one.   
“Weird.” 

He scans my head again and transfers the data to a console on my right.   
“How’s the headache?” 

“Mostly gone.” I state, hopping off the biobed.   
I have to get used to wearing a Starfleet uniform again. I haven’t worn one since I was in the academy. Or so I seem to remember, at least.   
“I still don’t recall anything about the last five years though.” I add confused as I move to stand beside the doctor at the console. 

“I’m not surprised.” He speaks and pulls up an image of my brain. “Your scans show no change compared to yesterday.” 

“Will I ever get my memories back?” I ask, wondering just how much of my life I’ve lost.

He turns to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.   
“Brains are tricky things. Give it some time and yours might find a way around the damaged pathways.” 

I frown. “And if it doesn’t?” 

He gives me a half-smile. “Then I suppose you’ll have to make new memories, Lieutenant.” 

I tilt my head as I ponder his words. And then I notice he called me by rank again.  
“So how is it that I’m a Lieutenant?” I ask, my hand coming up to my collar, fingering the ‘field commission officer’ pin there. I noticed a similar one on Chakotay’s collar yesterday and suddenly I’m acutely aware again that I have no idea where I am or how I got here. 

He smiles at me. “Commander Chakotay and some of the former Maquis will be here any minute. I figured that familiar faces would be best to help you answer all the questions you must have.” 

His words only raise more questions. Commander? Former Maquis?   
I’m getting the feeling that the past few years have been far from uneventful. 

As my brain tries to come up with possible explanations, I suddenly put my finger on what exactly it is that seems odd to me about the doctor next to me. My olfactory sense doesn’t register him.  
I turn to him with raised eyebrows.   
“Why can’t I smell you?” 

He smiles at me and lightly shrugs. “I’m a hologram, Lieutenant.” 

I blink. While it makes sense, his answer again raises only more questions. Something tells me I’d better get used to that. 

Before I can press him more about the subject, the doors to Sickbay open and a handful of people, all clad in Starfleet uniform, enter the room. My heart nearly skips a beat as I recognize all of them, the familiarity of their faces in stark contrast with my unknown surroundings.  
Chell, Tabor, Dalby, Henley, Doyle.   
I greet them with a broad smile, then turn to Chakotay with a questioning look.   
“Are there any others?” 

To my relief, he smiles and nods. “There’s about twenty of us on the ship.” 

“Seska?” I venture, already dreading the response. The Bajoran was my friend and if she was on this ship, she would be standing here right now. 

Chakotay’s expression turns grim. “She turned out to be a Cardassian spy. She’s dead.” He states and I can clearly sense that the subject is still painful for him. 

“Okay…” I say, trying to ignore the multitude of questions his words bring up.   
I will myself to focus on the bigger picture. I look at the people standing around me and make note of their uniforms.   
“Maybe you should start by telling me how we all seem to have become Starfleet personnel.” 

Chakotay and my comrades proceed to fill me in.   
They tell me how our Maquis group was on a mission in the Badlands and how it had an unexpected ending when we were scanned by a coherent tetryon beam before a displacement wave hurtled our ship all the way into the Delta Quadrant. They explain how Voyager, the Starfleet ship we’re currently on, was also in the Badlands on a mission to capture us when it met the same fate. 

They speak about a dying Caretaker who was looking after a race called the Ocampa and about the Kazon who were lying in wait to take their resources away from them. They fill me in on Captain Janeway’s decision to help the Ocampa, effectively stranding us in the Delta Quadrant. 

I closely watch my comrades’ faces, trying to determine how they feel about all of this. I want to know, because I have no idea what I should feel about everything I’m hearing. It seems to me that this Captain Janeway made a lot of decisions that weren’t hers to make. Decisions that affected all of our lives in a very profound way.   
It looks like her offer to the Maquis to live and serve on Voyager was more for her benefit than for ours. 

But none of my friends seem to be angry about that. 

I wonder what my reaction was when I first set foot on Voyager. Chakotay’s eyes twinkle when I ask. “How do you think you reacted?” And the others smirk. “You were ready to stage a mutiny all by yourself.” 

A grin breaks through on my face. That sounds like me.   
I eye my colleagues again, observing that mutiny seems very far from their minds.   
“Yet we’re all wearing Starfleet uniforms.” I state lightly. “What happened?” 

Chakotay shrugs. “We all gave it a chance. And it wasn’t so bad.”

I throw him a dubious look, not really believing I gave in that easily, but I file the information on this topic away to be examined at a later date. Right now, there are other things that pique my curiosity.   
“So this ship we’re on, Voyager, it seems quite advanced.” 

Chakotay nods. “The U.S.S. Voyager was the first in a new line of ships of the Intrepid class, designed for long-term space exploration. It has fifteen decks and a crew complement of approximately 150 people. It can travel at warp 9.975, operates on bioneural circuitry and it’s what Tom Paris calls ‘a smooth ride’.”

My eyes widen at all that information and my inner engineer is itching to get up close and personal with this technological marvel.   
As if he can read my thoughts, Chakotay grins. “Would you like a tour?”   
I nod enthusiastically. 

My fellow Maquis take off to resume their duties and the holographic doctor clears me for duty with some last-minute advice. “You should take it easy Lieutenant. Allow your brain enough rest to adjust to the situation.” He places his hand on my shoulder. “Any headaches and you come see me immediately. Understood?” 

I nod. “Thanks, doctor…?” I let the end of the sentence open because I don’t recall his name. 

“Just ‘Doctor’.” He replies and a flash of embarrassment crosses his face at my questioning look. “It’s a long story.” 

I leave Sickbay and follow Chakotay into the corridor to a turbolift.   
“Deck one, Bridge.” He orders as the doors close and less than a minute later, we arrive at our destination. 

I try to remember the last time I was on such a sleek looking ship.   
Before me is Voyager’s Bridge. It’s spacious and elegantly designed. 

There are only a handful of people present, and they’re all looking at me expectantly. I nod to them by way of greeting and for a moment I don’t know what to do.   
Chakotay gracefully saves me by guiding me to the Captain.  
“You remember Captain Janeway?” 

I nod, recalling our brief conversation in Sickbay and the things I’ve heard about her so far. “Captain.” I greet her politely.   
I haven’t decided yet whether or not I like her. 

She searches my face for a moment, and I think she’s looking for signs of recognition, like most people seem to be doing. Her own expression is unreadable.   
“It’s good to have you back, B’Elanna.” She says, friendly but reserved. 

Chakotay turns around. “Over there is Tuvok, our Chief Tactical Officer.”   
The man, a Vulcan I note, nods politely in my direction. 

Then we pivot to the helm. “Tom Paris, Voyager’s pilot.” Chakotay supplies helpfully and I frown because his name seems familiar. “He did a brief stint in the Maquis.” Chakotay elaborates, and regards Tom. “Very brief.” 

Tom grins good-naturedly. “Don’t believe everything he tells you. If you want to know what really happened during the past few years, you should come to me.”

I raise my eyebrow and smile at him. “Good to know.”   
He seems like fun and I wonder if we were friends. 

Chakotay points at an Ensign at the other side of the Bridge. “And that is Harry Kim at OPS.” 

“Welcome back!” The Asian man grins. “I’m sure we must seem like a weird bunch, but you fit in quite well.” Then his expression changes as he realizes he’s probably insulted me. But I instantly like him. He seems young and innocent, kind of like the little brother I never had. 

Chakotay smiles and turns to me. “Come on, how about I show you the rest of the ship?” 

I smile. “Sure.”   
Then without thinking about it I turn around to greet the Captain before I leave. It’s weird how being in a Starfleet uniform on a Starfleet vessel makes me acutely aware of protocol again. 

She eyes me pensively before she nods to both of us. “Commander. Lieutenant.” 

In the turbolift, I look at Chakotay again. “So you’re the Commander of a Starfleet vessel.” I say appraisingly. “Seems like the past caught up on both of us.” 

Chakotay snorts. “Voyager’s original XO was killed when the displacement wave hit the ship. When we found ourselves here, and decided to integrate the two crews, the Captain offered me the position as a token of good faith.” 

I raise my eyebrows. “A rebel as XO.” I counter. “Lucky coincidence that you were a Starfleet Officer before you joined the Maquis…” I state the words lightly but he probably knows I’m having doubts about the purity of Janeway’s motives.   
He decides not to comment as he takes me into a large room. 

“Mess Hall.” Chakotay states, and before he can say more, a man from a race I’ve never seen before darts out from behind the counter, his colorful appearance in stark contrast to his monochromatic Starfleet surroundings. 

“B’Elanna!” He exclaims cheerfully. “It’s so good to see you up and about! Well, I heard you don’t remember anything about us, but I’m sure we will make memories that are even better than the ones you lost!” 

I can’t help but smile at his exuberance and positive spirit. 

“This is Neelix, our resident Talaxian.” Chakotay supplies helpfully. “He volunteered to be our guide in the Delta Quadrant when we just got here, but he’s also become invaluable as our Chef and as our Morale Officer.” 

Although I’m quite sure that the job of Morale Officer has been created just for him, Neelix does seem like the perfect person for it. Enthusiasm radiates off him and I’m pretty convinced that it’s impossible to be gloomy when he’s around. 

“Now, Lieutenant,” the furry man leans closer to me, “it has been brought to my attention that taste and smell can be important triggers to jog the memory.” He points towards his kitchen. “It just so happens that I have a pot of leola root stew on the burner, one of the crew’s all-time favorites.” He grins. “Do you want to try it? Maybe it will help get your memory back…” 

Chakotay grabs my arm. “Actually, we don’t have a lot of time now. B’Elanna is very curious about Engineering.” 

The Talaxian nods. “Of course. Say no more.”   
Chakotay pulls me along with him as Neelix shouts out after me. “But if you’re looking for a taste of the Delta Quadrant, you know where to find me!”

In the corridor I can’t help but laugh. “Is it really that bad?” 

Chakotay just grins. “Trust me, leola root stew is best left forgotten.” 

We visit various decks and I see more people I don’t recognize but who clearly recognize me. It’s a bit unnerving to see all those well-wishing faces and I can’t help but wonder who these people are, what they meant to me and what I was to them. The prospect of having to build up all those friendships again seems quite overwhelming. 

My pondering is cut short when Chakotay leads me into yet another room.   
“Astrometrics.” He declares and I look around with interest. 

There’s a tall blonde in the room, working at one of the consoles. She turns around as we enter and looks at me coolly. I notice the bionic implants on her face and hands immediately and my curiosity levels rise.   
“Hello.” I say.

“Lieutenant. Commander.” She states and then turns back to her work. 

I throw a questioning look at Chakotay, a little fazed by her arrogance. 

He merely shrugs. “This is Seven of Nine. She’s an ex-Borg drone. We liberated her from the Collective about a year ago.” 

That explains why she seems to behave like an automaton. 

“The Captain tasked her and Harry with creating the Astrometrics lab, in order to expedite on our journey home.” Chakotay elaborates. “With this setup, we’re able to detect and study astronomical phenomena in much more detail, and maybe even find a shortcut home.” 

I immediately understand that this is the Captain’s prestige project. Would the Borg’s role in it be the cause of her arrogance? 

“Not much luck yet in getting home, I assume?” I ask the blonde’s back. 

She looks over her shoulder with an indignant expression before fully turning around. “On the contrary.” She states patronizingly. “Thanks to this lab we discovered an alien relay network that has allowed us to communicate with Earth.” 

I look at Chakotay with wide eyes. This is new information for me.   
“We’re in contact with the Alpha Quadrant?” I ask, wondering why nobody told me yet. 

He shakes his head. “Not anymore. The relay network was destroyed.” He tilts his head. “We did manage to communicate before that though. We all exchanged letters with Starfleet, our families, friends, loved ones.” 

“Did I get a letter from anyone?” I ask, suddenly curious. 

A flash of something I can’t identify crosses over Chakotay’s face.   
“Yes, I think so.” He answers hesitantly. 

I recognize that look on his face. He knows more than he’s letting on.   
“From whom?” 

He looks like he’s about to dodge my question and I stare at him hard.   
“Don’t even try to avoid the subject Chakotay.” 

From the way he looks at me, I know I’m not going to like what he has to say.   
“You got a letter from Sveta, just like I did.” He states.

I frown. Sveta was a friend of Chakotay. Why would she be writing me?   
“What did she have to say?” I ask, suddenly not sure I want to know the answer.

Chakotay sighs and rubs his head, giving me an odd look. Then he starts telling me about how a massacre by the Dominion, who were in league with the Cardassians, had wiped out most of the Maquis, and how the few remaining members, like Sveta, were sent to a Federation prison.

There’s a lump in my throat when I try to speak. “Li-Paz?” I ground out. “Meyer, Nelson, Sahreen?” I list the names of my friends in other Maquis factions. 

Chakotay closes his eyes and shakes his head. “They didn’t survive, B’Elanna. We’re all that’s left.” 

I feel my stomach clench and the world around me seems to fade away.   
They can’t all be gone… 

Chakotay grabs my arm and captures my gaze. “The first time you heard this news, you didn’t exactly take it very well.” 

I scoff. “How am I supposed to take something like this?”   
Anger rises in my chest and it has no way out. 

He frowns. “You started running Holoprograms with the safeties off, really dangerous behavior.” He grabs my chin. “Promise me you’ll talk to me about this, about what you’re feeling, this time. Because I know how it feels.” 

I see the genuine concern in his eyes and the anger feels a little more controllable.   
I bite my lip before I nod. “I will. Just… give me some time to let all of it sink in first.” 

He gives me a weak smile. “Sure.” 

I exhale deeply and realize I’m still in the Astrometrics lab.   
I notice the ex-drone is still at her console, working, as if she didn’t just witness an emotional moment. Or as if she simply doesn’t care. 

I decide right there on the spot that I don’t really like her much. She seems robotic, self-absorbed, devoid of any empathy. It just goes against my grain. 

I look up at Chakotay, needing a change of scenery. So I change the subject.  
“When do I get to see this ship’s fabulous warp engines?”

Chakotay’s concern for me is still evident in his eyes, but he grins and gestures to the door. “After you.” 

We make a few other stops along the way, but finally we enter Engineering. 

“Your home away from home.” Chakotay jokes, yet I have no doubt there’s a lot of truth in his words. 

The Engineering crew comes to stand around me and they greet me one by one. I feel a bit awkward in their midst, especially since I hear a lot of respectful ‘Sirs’ and ‘Ma’ams’ being uttered. One of them even calls me ‘Chief’ and it suddenly dawns on me that I am the Chief Engineer of this ship.   
Somehow, that penny hadn’t dropped yet. 

Bewildered I ask where I can find a status report on the warp engines and Lieutenant Carey helpfully points me towards a console near the warp core.   
“Here you are, Lieutenant.” He speaks respectfully, pulling up the requested data. 

“Thank you, Lieutenant.” I reply, hesitating slightly at his rank, which is equal to mine.   
I focus on the data, a trusted safe haven in this unfamiliar situation. As I scroll through it, something catches my attention. “The flux through the magnetic constrictors seems a little low.” I note. 

Carey looks over my shoulder and grins. “Damn, nothing gets past you, Chief.” He turns around and calls Nicoletti to help him adjust it, leaving me alone with Chakotay next to the warp core. 

“Why isn’t he the Chief?” I whisper to Chakotay when Carey’s out of earshot. As a real Starfleet officer with the rank of Lieutenant, surely he would be a more logical choice. 

“I recommended you for the job because you can think out of the box.” Chakotay explains. “We need someone like that in the Delta Quadrant.” 

I snort derisively. “And Janeway just went along with that?” 

Chakotay grins. “No. She wanted Carey. But in the end, you convinced her you were the better choice.” 

I eye him pensively. Maybe that explains Janeway’s apparent disinclination towards me.   
“I have the feeling she still doesn’t like me very much.” I utter and Chakotay’s eyebrows rise in surprise. 

“Who, the Captain?”   
He shakes his head. “She knows she made the right choice by putting you in charge.” 

I shrug. “I don’t know. I haven’t really seen much of her, but it sort of feels like there’s some kind of tension between us.” 

Chakotay frowns. “Maybe you should get to know her better before coming to such conclusions. You two used to get on pretty well.” 

As I ponder his words I let my gaze drift off and my eyes fall on Carey again. I wonder what they think of me.  
“And Carey, and my staff?” I ask Chakotay. “Do they also think it was the best decision?” 

“You earned the respect from each and every one of them, even Carey.” Chakotay answers me honestly. “And that’s no small feat, considering you broke the man’s nose once.” 

I raise my eyebrows and grin sheepishly. I guess I’m still me, even on a Federation starship.   
“The more things change, the more they stay the same, I guess…” I reply and we both grin. 

I look around the engine room.   
“So this is my life, after the Maquis.” I speak softly. 

My old friend nods. “Yep. What do you think so far?” 

“It seems okay.” I venture and I tilt my head. “But I hate that weren’t there to fight that Dominion invasion.” 

A pained look crosses Chakotay’s face. “If we’d been there, we would probably be dead, B’Elanna.” 

I nod pensively, realizing he’s right. Yet I feel that my hatred for this new enemy rivals the hatred I have for the Cardassians.   
I sigh, suddenly realizing I’m very tired.   
“Could you maybe show me where my quarters are?” I ask Chakotay. “I feel like I need some time to digest everything I’ve seen and heard so far before I can take on any more.” 

The big Indian man smiles at me and puts his arm over my shoulders. “Sure.” 

~

I’m in my quarters. It’s the first time I’ve been alone all day, and I sink down on the couch, relishing the fact that I’m alone with my thoughts. There are so many of them, running through my head. I want to create some order in my head, but I have no idea where to start. 

I get up again and walk towards the window. The stars shine dimly in the inky blackness of space. I’m in the Delta Quadrant. It’s slowly sinking in what that means. We’re all alone out here, a single ship in unknown territory, trying to find our way home.   
It’s not how I envisioned my life would be. 

I turn my back to the window. I’ve survived here for almost five years, on this ship, with this crew. It’s strange to think how I’ve obviously built an entire life here without any recollection of it.   
Yet it’s unmistakably my life. It’s me that people recognize in the corridor. It’s my Bat’leth hanging on the wall of my quarters. It’s my engineering skills that made me Chief. It’s my Klingon temper that broke Carey’s nose. 

I move over to my small desk and ask the Computer to display all my personal log entries chronologically. There are quite a few, but not that many altogether. I’m not surprised, I never was big on keeping logs, personal or otherwise. 

Upon my request, the Computer plays them one by one, in chronological order and I hear fragments of my life recounted in my own voice. I hear my frustration at having to do things the Starfleet way. I hear my doubts as Janeway appoints me Chief Engineer and how I’m convinced that she’s setting me up to fail. I hear my gratitude for new friendships, my anger about aliens shooting my precious engines to pieces. I hear my enthusiasm over new technologies. I hear my longing for home. 

I turn off the playback after a while, overwhelmed by the many many things I’m trying to comprehend at once. I briefly contemplate going to bed early, allowing my brain some rest, when my doorchime sounds. 

With a questioning frown I open the door. I’m actually proud of myself when I remember the names of the men that are on my doorstep: Tom and Harry. 

“Hi B’Elanna. You met us this morning on the Bridge.” Harry starts, obviously not sure I remember him at all. 

I grin. “Yes Harry, I know.” And I find the relief that appears on his face at my words simply adorable.

“We just came to see if you want to join us at Sandrine’s?” Tom asks, taking over from Harry. “It’s a bar on the Holodeck. You used to go there all the time.” 

I have a feeling that an evening with these guys might be fun, the kind of mindless fun I could probably use, so it doesn’t take me long to accept their offer and follow them to the Holodeck.

They bring me to a quaint bar where I see several crewmembers having a drink together.   
I’m surprised when the holographic woman behind the bar, Sandrine herself I presume, recognizes me. It’s weird that a hologram knows who I am when I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

Harry and I sit down at a table in the back but Tom remains standing. “I’ll get us something to drink.” He offers and he starts walking to the bar. Over his shoulder he calls out to me and winks. “Don’t worry, I know what you like.” 

“You wish.” I call out after him and he throws me a cheeky grin.   
For a brief moment I wonder if there is something between us, or rather if there used to be. 

Then I turn back to Harry, shaking my head.   
The young man leans closer to me with a compassionate expression. “It must be really weird to wake up and not remember a thing about your life.” He says. 

I give him a wry grin. “You think?” I answer. “I mean, I’m not even sure you and I are really friends…” 

His perplexed look makes me smile. “Relax Harry. I’m just teasing you. I know we’re friends, even though I don’t remember a thing about you.” 

He proceeds to tell me how we first met at the Caretaker’s array and I listen attentively. 

A couple of minutes later Tom comes back and places a Bajoran vodka in front of me. I frown, wondering if I really used to drink that or if he’s messing with me. After taking a sip, I decide it’s quite good and I thank him. 

“So,” I ask him, “you used to be in the Maquis. Why did you leave?” 

He grins. “Difference of opinion.” 

Harry rolls his eyes. “He got kicked out.” 

Tom shrugs. “Story of my life.” He adds. “I got kicked out of Starfleet, kicked out of the Maquis, kicked out of this bar a couple of times…” 

“Kicked out of the Alpha Quadrant.” I supply helpfully and he snickers. He may be cocky, but at least he doesn’t take himself too seriously. Just like with Harry, I can see why Tom and I are friends. 

The whole evening we talk about life on Voyager, and when I go to bed way later than I intended, I’m feeling less awkward than I thought I would feel.   
My life seems a little more familiar than it did this morning. 

~

I quickly get a feel of this ship and its systems. Running the Engineering department and commanding my staff however feels a little less natural. I guess I will need some time to hone my leadership skills. 

I’m in my office in Engineering, reading up on the specs of the bioneural circuitry that is installed all over the ship, when I notice someone hovering in the doorway.   
Tension enters my body when I see who it is.   
“Captain.” I utter. 

Janeway tentatively takes a step inside my office.   
“I didn’t mean to disturb you.” 

I lean back in my chair, studying her. “That’s alright.” I state lightly.   
I notice a tension in Janeway’s posture, and it strikes me again how I can’t seem to read this woman very well.   
“How can I help you Captain?”

“I’m just passing by. How are you holding up?” She asks, friendly but reserved. 

I’m unsure whether this is a social call or ship’s business and I decide to err on the side of caution, keeping my response professional.   
“I’m familiarizing myself with Voyager’s technology.” I gesture at the specs in front of me. “All systems are currently functioning within normal parameters.” I add with confidence while I wonder if she’s here to check whether or not I can still run this department in my current condition. 

Janeway nods absently and I can’t determine if that’s because she’s not convinced or because she doesn’t care. Neither option seems like an appropriate response for a Captain. 

I look at her expectantly, waiting for her to either continue the conversation or leave. She just remains standing in the doorway, looking in my direction without really making eye-contact. I wonder what happened to her air of authority I’ve observed before. 

“You still don’t remember anything about your life here on Voyager?” She asks after a beat. 

I half-shake my head and shrug.   
“No, to me it’s like none of this ever happened.” 

The Captain throws me an unidentifiable look. Is it pity, is it distrust? I have no idea.   
She eyes me for a moment longer, then briefly nods as though she’s seen enough. “I’ll leave you to it.” She says and before I can say anything she has already turned around and left. 

I stare pensively at her disappearing back, wondering what to make of this woman. I have no doubt I must have disliked her a lot when we first got here, blaming her for our predicament. From what I’ve heard from my personal logs, it took me a long time to trust her, even after she appointed me Chief Engineer. But I haven’t made it far enough in my logs to know if we eventually got along. 

I’m still mulling over this when I meet Chakotay in the Mess Hall for lunch. He gives me a questioning look when we grab our food and sit down at one of the tables.   
“Something on your mind?” 

Pensively, I nod. “Are you sure I got along with the Captain?” 

Chakotay’s eyebrows raise. “As far as I know yes.” He frowns. “Why do you keep asking?” 

I shrug as I poke at an unidentifiable vegetable on my plate. “I just can’t seem to figure her out.” I answer. “She keeps a distance, but there’s something strange about the way she acts around me.” 

I cut a piece of the vegetable on my plate and decide to give it a try.   
“Ugh.” I splutter when I bite down on it. “What the hell is that?” 

“Steamed leola root.” Chakotay grins. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the taste in a couple of years.” 

I swallow and look at him in disgust. “God I hope you’re kidding.”   
I look down at my plate and find that my appetite has vanished. Listlessly I poke a bit at my lunch.   
“So you don’t think there were any issues between me and the Captain before my accident?” I continue on the previous subject.   
Somehow it keeps nagging at my brain. 

“Well, you certainly bumped heads with her a number of times.” Chakotay declares. “But it usually got straightened out one way or another.” 

I cut another piece of the leola root and drown it in tomato sauce before I put it in my mouth. Not surprisingly it tastes only marginally better.  
“What kind of things did we used to bump heads on?” I ask. 

Chakotay tilts his head, obviously remembering quite a few situations.   
“Actually, you had a beef with her quite recently.” He starts and then hesitates. 

“What happened?” I urge, wondering if maybe this is the cause for the underlying tension between us. 

He sighs. “It’s been kind of a sensitive topic with most of the Maquis…” He elaborates and I lean closer, pressing him to continue. 

He pauses for a moment, and then, realizing I’m not going to let this go, sighs and leans closer to me.   
“A couple of weeks ago, we responded to some sort of distress call of an alien vessel.” He starts. “There was only one occupant on board, a non-human alien lifeform. We beamed it on board because its ship was heavily damaged, but we had no means of communicating with it and no clue how to help it.” 

I listen attentively to his words as he continues. 

“You figured out that the alien operated his ship via chemical excretions and went to Sickbay to get some more answers. When you were there, the creature launched itself at you, latched onto your chest and pierced your neck.” 

I make a face and my hand subconsciously comes up to rub my throat. 

“Don’t worry.” Chakotay tries to appease me. “You were unconscious for most of it. But the creature was essentially using your body to sustain its life and the Doctor had no means of extracting it from your body without doing irreparable harm to your vital organs.” 

I frown. “Where does the Captain come in on this?” 

“Patience has never been one of your strong suits, has it?” Chakotay grins, but his face turns grave as he continues. 

“The Doctor and Harry came up with the idea to combine all knowledge of exobiology in the Federation database into a new holographic doctor based on the famous exobiologist Crell Moset so he could assist the Doctor with extracting the alien from your vital organs.” Chakotay frowns. “It turned out that Moset was a Cardassian who had gotten most of his medical knowledge through torture and inhumane experiments. He murdered hundreds of innocent Bajorans in the most atrocious circumstances to find a cure for the Fostossa virus.”

I swallow the bile that has risen in my throat.   
“What happened next?” I ask, although I can see where this is going. 

“When we realized this, you and most of the Maquis wanted his program taken offline.” Chakotay continues. “You didn’t want to benefit from other people’s suffering and refused to be treated by him. As a consequence you were pretty much signing your own death warrant.” Chakotay sighs. “It divided the crew and eventually, the Captain decided to use the expertise of the Moset hologram after all, to save your life.” 

I swallow, trying to get past the sick feeling in my stomach that has nothing to do with the leola root I just ate.  
“She had no right.” I hiss.

Grabbing my hand, Chakotay tries to calm me, speaking to me in shushing tones.   
“His program has been deleted from the database.”

“After making me guilty of benefiting from torturing innocent people!” I growl, ready to get up and march to Janeway to tell her in no uncertain terms what I think of her decision.

“I understand how you feel.” Chakotay speaks compassionately. “But she did it to save your life.” 

“That doesn’t make it alright.” I snap back. 

“No.” Chakotay agrees. “But it does make sense.” He squeezes my hand. “You were just as angry then as you are now. But you got over it, just like you will come to terms with it now.” He looks at me pointedly, wordlessly urging me not to do anything rash. 

I glare at him because I’m not willing to just let this slide. 

“Promise me you’ll take some time to try to put this in perspective before you go bump heads with the Captain again.” Chakotay gently tries to assuage me.   
“You can’t repeat every fight you ever had on this ship. It’ll take you another five years to catch up.” He grins.

I scoff because there’s no way I can just ignore this.   
Yet I’m willing to sleep on it before confronting the Captain. So I nod, conceding to his truth.   
“I’ll try. But only because I’m feeling a little less confident than usual with the memory loss and all.”

His eyebrows rise at my admission and he chuckles. 

“If you repeat that to anyone, I’ll kill you.” I growl good-naturedly. 

~

Later that day, after my shift, I access my personal logs and search for the entry from the day that alien creature attacked me. I sink down on the couch as I hear my angry voice reverberate off the walls and it helps somehow, to have my feelings acknowledged in this way. 

When the recording is finished, I select the next one, half expecting to find an entry from the brig because I hit the Captain.   
However, much to my surprise, the tone of my next log entry is a lot calmer. Yet I get none the wiser as to why or how that came to happen. 

“Although I understand why she did it, it still feels sour.” I hear myself say. “I will carry that with me for the rest of my life… But I swear that one day, I will make that Cardassian P’taQ pay for what he did and I will avenge the lives of those he tortured.” 

The recording ends and I’m left with more questions than answers. Again I regret I didn’t put more effort in my personal logs in the past. Obviously that would’ve made my life now considerably easier. I sigh and briefly wonder if I really want to know about everything that’s happened to me in the past five years. If I have to work through all those emotions without the insights from my personal logs, it will be a hellish endeavor. 

I sit back and think about what little I just heard. My recorded voice said that I understood why Janeway did what she did. The only way I see that happening now is by talking to the Captain directly and hearing her side of it, although I have no idea what she could say to convince me that she made the right choice. 

I know I promised Chakotay to sleep on it, but I also know that clarity of mind isn’t going to come to me by just sitting here. A brief inquiry to the computer informs me that the Captain is still in her Ready Room, and without hesitating I get up and head for Deck One.

~

“What can I do for you Lieutenant?” The Captain asks me after she’s granted me access to her office. She has that same unidentifiable look in her eyes as gets up from her chair and heads in the direction of the replicator.   
“Coffee?” She asks. 

“No thanks.” I turn towards her as I reply.   
“Chakotay told me about Crell Moset.” I say, grabbing the bull by the horns. 

Janeway shoulders stiffen visibly. She pauses a moment before she turns around.   
“I see.” She states guardedly after a beat and she holds position near the replicator.

“I don’t understand how you could let him operate on me.” I say to her, my tone emulating the confusion that has overpowered my anger by now.

“B’Elanna…” She starts, taking a step in my direction. 

But I interrupt her before she can say more. “I realize we’ve probably had this discussion before.” I continue. “I’ve listened to my personal logs and I know I was just as angry when it happened as I am now.”   
I frown. “But then, in my next log entry I’m not angry anymore.” 

I look at her. “I want to know why that is, what you said to me back then that made me understand your decision.” I pause, confused. “Maybe then I can find a way to deal with the anger I’m feeling now.” 

Janeway looks at me for a long moment before she speaks while I wait expectantly. 

“I know how angry you are. And it wasn’t easy for me to go against your wishes.” She offers.

I search her eyes for signs of insincerity as she talks. 

She captures my gaze.   
“Believe me when I say that I understood your position. I carefully weighed the morality of this case against the practicality. But in the end my decision was entirely selfish. Losing you was unacceptable.”

I snort. “If you really believe that, Captain, I think I may have been overselling my engineering skills.”   
I shake my head, wondering what I’m missing here, what she’s not telling me. And I’m prepared to push for the truth. 

She closes her eyes briefly and rubs her face. “This is not how I wanted you to find out.” She mutters quietly. 

I look at her expectantly as she takes a deep breath and I’m surprised at the vulnerability in her gaze. 

“I couldn’t let you die because we were… involved.” She states.   
“As a Captain, my decision was arguable, yes. But as a lover, I made the only choice I could make.”

I frown as my brain gets stuck on her words.   
“We were… involved?” I echo faintly, wondering if I misheard. Yet the look on her face tells me I heard exactly what she was saying. 

“Yes.” She whispers. 

My eyebrows rise as I try to comprehend that this woman and I have been together.   
“How long?” I ask the first question that comes to my mind. 

She keeps her gaze firmly trained on me.   
“About a year.” 

I let out an explosive breath and turn away, rubbing my forehead as I try to grasp the idea of not remembering an entire relationship.   
Then my head snaps back up and I look at her.   
“Nobody told me.” 

“Nobody knew.” She replies. 

I frown as I keep looking at her. “You didn’t tell me either. Before.” I point out, recalling the handful of times I’ve seen her since waking up in Sickbay after my accident. 

She drops her gaze.   
“It’s been a bit of a complicated situation, B’Elanna.”

That’s fair enough, I suppose.   
“So what now?” I ask, my confusion evident in my voice.

When she lifts her head, she has the same look in her eyes that I’ve seen before and suddenly I understand what it is: sadness combined with longing.   
It unexpectedly grabs me by the throat. 

“Now nothing.” She speaks softly. “You have no recollection of us.” She tilts her head and regret seeps into her voice. “You don’t even know me.” 

“I could get to know you.” I venture hoarsely, taken aback by all the emotions that are in the air around us. 

She closes her eyes and gives me a weak smile.   
“There’s no obligation here, B’Elanna. I…” She swallows. “I want you to do what feels right for you.” 

I nod dumbfounded, not sure what to say to that. 

She bites her lip and tilts her head.   
“How about you give yourself some time to process all this?” 

“I think that might be best.” I reply, the slowness of my words in stark contrast to the millions of thoughts racing through my head at a speed faster than light.   
“Thank you for telling me.” I add, as an afterthought. 

She nods briefly. “Goodnight B’Elanna.” 

“Goodnight.” I say before exiting the room and heading to my quarters.

~

I can’t sleep. Of all the things I’ve learned about my life in the past couple of days, this last revelation is the one that I can’t wrap my head around.   
Kathryn Janeway and I were lovers. 

I’ve pulled up her file in an effort to learn as much about her as possible, but of course it didn’t tell me what I really want to know. Who is she? And how did I fall for a woman I supposedly hated at the start of this journey? 

I’ve searched my personal logs, but as expected, they only contain fragments of the puzzle. Not enough to from real pieces, let alone the whole picture. A word here, a sentence there… They only fuel my need to know everything there is to know about this woman, about our relationship. 

I toss and turn, and sleep continues to elude me.  
There’s only one person who has the answers that I seek. But something keeps me from seeking her out in the middle of the night. 

I wonder what this must feel like for her. With the loss of my memory, her lover was also violently ripped away from her. Yet I am right here, a shell of what she used to have, a constant reminder of the woman she lost.

I don’t envy her. And I also understand why she acted so strange around me in the last couple of days.

Finally, I give up, get out of bed and go into the bathroom to splash some water in my face, hoping it will ease my restlessness. 

I study myself in the mirror and find that I look a little different than I remember. It’s not so much that I seem to look five years older, but rather that I look more weathered. My body obviously has been through things in the past couple of years. My recent head injury leading to the memory loss and the alien latching onto me are just recent examples. 

No doubt I’ve been bruised and battered on many other occasions.   
And –it seems– I have also been touched by loving hands.   
My thoughts go back to Kathryn Janeway… 

I look into my own eyes, wondering how it’s possible that I can’t remember what they have seen.   
With a sigh, I rub my face and I feel the fatigue in my bones.   
I return to bed and try to sleep, knowing it’s a futile endeavor. 

~

The next morning I’m on my way to the Briefing Room for a staff meeting when Chakotay falls into step with me.   
“Did you manage to get some perspective on things?” 

It takes me a moment to realize that he means the Crell Moset thing. Not really the most pressing thing on my mind right now.   
I nod briefly. “Yeah. I’m good.” I mumble.

Chakotay frowns as we enter the briefing room, obviously not entirely sure about my answer. 

The staff meeting is a typical Starfleet affair, reminding me of my time in the Academy: everyone displays the same formal casualness. 

I study the Captain during the status updates given by all the department heads.   
I try to figure out who she is from her interactions with other people. But I mostly see a Captain talking to her senior staff: polite, reserved, professional.   
She’s not like that in private, I’m sure. 

We share a brief look as she turns in my direction.   
“Status update from Engineering, Lieutenant?” 

I wonder what’s going on behind that façade of hers.  
“All systems nominal.” I offer. “One plasma injector seems a bit moody. I’ll take a look at it today.” 

Janeway simply nods and continues with the updates from other departments.   
All in all, the ship seems to be in good condition and the meeting is over fairly quickly. 

As I get up to get to my work in Engineering, Tom taps my shoulder.   
“Lunch with me and Harry later?” 

I smile and nod. “Sure.”   
Spending some time in the company of these two men will hopefully take my mind off things and allow me some respite from all the questions that are dancing around in my head. 

The rest of the morning I focus on the temperamental plasma injector and I find out that a malfunctioning optronic relay is the root cause of its strange behavior. By the time I’ve fixed it, it’s already lunchtime and I go to the Mess Hall to meet my new old friends. 

Tom orders a pizza from the replicator and I promptly follow his example. My stomach hasn’t yet forgotten the foul taste of the leola root from yesterday.   
With a grin, I eye the yellow blob on Harry’s plate. “What’s that supposed to be?” 

“Seven-spice omelet.” He answers, with a doubtful look on his face and then shrugs.   
“At least it’s edible.” 

With a grin I take a bite off my pizza. Replicated or not, I’m sure it beats today’s lunch. 

“So, how are you doing?” Harry, ever thoughtful, asks me. 

I shrug. “Alright, given the circumstances.” I take another bite of pizza. “Still a lot of blanks to fill in though.” 

“Hey, if we can help…” Tom offers amicably.

I tilt my head. “Actually, you can.” I start. “I’ve been wondering; what’s the Captain like as a person?” 

The weird looks I receive from both men tell me that they think my question is strange, so I elaborate.   
“I mean, I can’t really seem to get a good picture of her. She’s the Captain so obviously she keeps her distance. I think it would be able to read her better if I knew what kind of person she is.” 

The expression on the faces in front of me changes to understanding and I raise my eyebrows expectantly. 

“She does keep a distance.” Harry nods in confirmation. “We sometimes invite her to come to Sandrine’s and once in a while she accepts, but everyone is always just a little bit less relaxed when she’s there.”

“I’m sure she notices it.” Tom chimes in. “I think that’s why she prefers not to join us, because she knows her presence intimidates people.” 

I take in that piece of information, adding it to the image I have of her.   
“It must be lonely for her.” I state. “She’s everybody’s boss.” 

“She regularly has dinner with Chakotay.” Harry adds and grins while he pats Tom on the back. “Tom is convinced they’re secretly seeing each other.” 

“Hey, about half of the ship agrees with me on that one.” Tom states defensively.

I roll my eyes at their antics because I know for a fact Tom has it wrong. She hasn’t been seeing Chakotay. Until a couple of days ago, she’s been seeing me. I secretly revel in the fact that for once I know something no one else does. In the past couple of days, I have always been the one in the dark and this makes for a nice change, even if I can’t tell anyone what I know. 

“So what else?” I urge. My curiosity about who Janeway is, is far from satisfied. “If you have to describe her, what comes to mind?” 

“She’s kind.” Harry offers. “She places her trust in you, but she expects a lot in return.” 

Tom shrugs. “She’s not the type of person you like to disappoint.” He grins. “And it’s not a good idea to piss her off either.” 

“She’s smart. She loves a challenge, especially a scientific one.” Harry adds.

“She’s addicted to coffee.” Tom interjects and I chuckle. 

“She also likes to…” Harry starts, but he doesn’t finish and I notice his attention is drawn to the counter where the ex-Borg Seven of Nine is taking a platter of food.

Tom follows my gaze and sighs. “Well, so much for getting anything intelligible out of Harry in the next half hour.” 

I raise my eyebrows in question. 

“He has a huge crush on our resident drone.” Tom explains and shakes his head. “Harry always likes the unattainable ones.” 

The young Asian stomps his friend on the shoulder but that doesn’t stop Tom from recounting to me how Harry once fell for a hologram, the wrong twin and a number of alien girls.

For the rest of our lunch together I laugh at their stories and I manage to relax and forget about all the questions I have about my own life.

~

“Everything seems to be in order, Lieutenant.” The Doctor tells me as I hop off the biobed after my checkup the next morning.   
“Your scans show nothing out of the ordinary. You’re as healthy as can be.” 

“Except for the fact that I can’t remember anything about the last five years.” I add dryly. 

The Doctor tilts his head and gives me a surprisingly compassionate look.   
“Except that, of course.” 

He pulls up my brain scan and compares it with the initial ones.   
“The fact that there is still no activity in this area of your brain after more than a week indicates that the memory loss is most likely permanent.” He points at the screen and I discern compassion in his voice. “I’m sorry.” 

I nod slowly. The news doesn’t exactly come as a surprise. 

“Please, come back next week for a final check-up.” The Doctor adds.

“I will. Thank you Doctor.” I reply as I’m on my way out to resume my duties.

I ponder about the implications of this news in the turbolift and it suddenly dawns on me that there’s another person who deserves to know about this.   
“Deck One, Bridge.” I order. 

Two minutes later I’m granted entry to the Captain’s Ready Room. 

Janeway is sitting on the couch with a stack of PADDs next to her, holding one in her hand. The look on her face softens noticeably when she looks up at me.   
“B’Elanna. What can I do for you?” 

I remain on the lower level and clasp my hands behind my back. I’m not entirely sure how to handle the situation, so I decide to keep my posture professional.   
“I’ve just been to Sickbay for my checkup. The Doctor is fairly certain my memory loss is permanent.” 

A resigned look settles upon her face. “Thanks for letting me know.” She speaks softly. 

“I’m sorry.” I offer, realizing that I’m not bringing her what she wants to hear.

She tilts her head. “Me too.” 

I nod and turn to leave, but I hesitate and look back at her. The emotions emanating from her continue to intrigue me.  
“Can we maybe… talk, some time?” I ask. “I have some personal questions…”

Janeway nods. “Sure. Why don’t you stop by my quarters after your shift?” 

“I will, thank you.” I smile and I’m impressed at how gracefully she’s handling all this.

~

At the end of my shift I check Voyager’s schematics to find that the Captain’s quarters are located on Deck Three, section twelve.   
When I get there I press the doorchime and the door immediately opens. I step inside, curious to see this woman’s living quarters. Something tells me few people are granted that privilege. 

Kathryn Janeway is rummaging through some things on her desk as she looks up. “Sorry, I’m running a little late here.” She gestures to the couch. “Please, have a seat.” 

I smile politely, not entirely at ease. “That’s alright, take your time.” 

I make my way to the couch and sit down, looking around. I’m actually grateful to have some time to acclimatize. 

The Captain’s living room is not overly full: functional furniture mostly, some plants, a couple of paintings. There are some photographs on a small side table but before I can take a good look at them, Janeway catches my attention on her way to the couch.   
“Would you like something to drink?” 

I shake my head. “No thanks. I’m good.” 

I scrape my throat as she sits down. “I appreciate you letting me come here to talk.”   
I frown. “I realize this must be quite difficult for you.” 

She throws me a weak smile. 

“Would you… tell me? About us?” I ask, hesitantly. 

She briefly looks down to her hands.   
“What would you like to know?” Her voice is soft and low, unguarded. 

“How we got together?” I venture.

The Captain closes her eyes and smiles as she remembers.   
“You kissed me.” She grins.

I raise my eyebrows and look at her expectantly for more details. 

“We had rescued a ship that was caught in a gravimetric shear.” She continues. “It belonged to a race called the Dreidtl and it turned out the prime consul’s daughter was on that transport. He was extremely grateful to us and offered us shore leave on their planet.” 

I’m hanging onto her every word, hoping this will answer some of the questions that have been on my mind.

Janeway continues. “At the end of our stay, you learned that a huge conference about interstellar travel was going to start in their capital the day after. You came to me, asking if you could stay behind a little longer to join the conference and then catch up with us in a shuttle.”  
She shakes her head. “I was reluctant at first. We had encountered a lot of gravimetric distortions and I wasn’t too eager to let you catch up with us alone in a shuttle. But you seemed really keen on going, and kept arguing with your usual Klingon stubbornness.” 

With a grin she shrugs. “Eventually I gave in and granted your request. You were so excited you hugged me. And quite unexpectedly, you kissed me squarely on the mouth.” 

She chuckles. “I don’t remember what surprised you more: the fact that you had kissed me or the fact that I kissed you back.”   
She exhales, smiling as she remembers.   
“You stayed behind for the conference, but those three days waiting for you to get back were the longest of my life.”

I listen to her words, trying to fathom that this is me she’s talking about. The depth of her feelings is almost tangible and when our gazes meet after her story I don’t really know how to respond.   
“Thank you for telling me.” I utter. 

She nods and gets up, obviously in need of a moment to compose herself again and I wonder if I’m asking too much of her. I think maybe I should go and give her some space.

“I was planning on replicating something for dinner.” She speaks from behind me. “Would you like to join me?” 

I turn around to look at her and realize I don’t want to go.   
“Sure.” I nod, grateful I haven’t overstayed my welcome after all. 

To my surprise she starts to laugh.   
“You know, this is the first time you’ve ever accepted my offer to cook.” Her eyes are filled with mirth. “I feel like I should warn you that I’m not a very good cook…” 

I raise my eyebrows and think back to the steamed leola root I ate a couple of days ago in the Mess Hall.   
“I’ll risk it.” I grin.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She states lightly as she heads towards the replicator. I stare at her back for a moment, thinking about how different she is right here and now, compared to the Captain she is on the Bridge.

While she is preparing the food I take a look at the photographs I noticed earlier. There’s a picture of a man and a dog, and several of an older couple and a woman who all bear a close resemblance to her.  
“Is that your family?” I ask pointing at the photos. 

Janeway nods.   
“My parents and my sister.” She divulges as she replicates the plates and cutlery. “And that was my fiancé with my dog.” 

She puts the plates on the table and goes back to the replicator.   
“Have a seat.” She says over her shoulder before bringing a steaming hot casserole to the table. 

Curious, I peek into it, wondering what she’s serving. 

“Chicken paprikash.” Janeway states. “Or so I hope.”   
Her lack of confidence seems very uncharacteristic.

“How bad could it be?” I say lightly, as she fills our plates.   
I’m seriously starting to wonder if it was a good idea to accept her offer after all. 

She hands me my plate with a wry laugh. “You’re about to find out…” 

I take a piece of chicken with some sauce and carefully put it in my mouth.   
“It’s very spicy.” I manage to bring out before I violently start coughing.

At the other side of the table, Janeway also tries it and starts to cough as well.   
“Damn it.” She mutters between breaths. 

She gazes up at me with a disillusioned look and I can’t help myself. I start laughing.

Janeway looks at me indignantly, but then also sees the humor in the situation and grins as well.   
“I told you I was bad at this.” 

I pick up everything and put it in the recycler.   
“How about we try this again, together?” I ask. 

With a deep sigh she moves to stand next to me. 

“Why don’t you show me how you started.” I gently instruct and I watch her as she programs the commands into the replicator.   
At a certain point, I place my hand on hers to stop her. 

“Here’s where you’re going wrong.” I start to say and then I realize I’m still holding her hand. I let go of it before I continue. “It’s simple math, really. You have to correlate these parameters in order to maintain the correct ratios of your ingredients.” I make the necessary adjustments. “And then,” I continue, “don’t forget to adjust the thermokinetics based on the protein content.” 

Next to me, Janeway sighs.   
“Could you just save your settings in my replicator under ‘chicken paprikash’?”   
She holds up her hands in defeat. “I swear this thing sabotages everything I try to program into it.” 

I grin. “Sure, blame the replicator.”   
Then I let the improved version materialize and grab a fork. “Try this.” I offer confidently. 

Janeway tastes it and eyes me appraisingly.   
“It tastes just like my grandmother used to make it.” 

We take the food to the table and sit down in companionable silence.

“Do you miss your family?” I ask her after a moment, indicating the photographs. 

She nods. “I got a letter from my mother and my sister when we made contact with the Alpha Quadrant. We were very close. It was really good to hear from them…” 

“And your father?” I ask conversationally.

A sad look crosses Janeway’s face. “He died when I was twenty-one.” 

“I’m sorry.” I reply, and there’s a pause because I don’t really know what to say.   
“My dad ran off when I was five.” I offer. “And I was never close to my mother.” 

“I know.” The Captain states softly. “I’m sorry too.” 

I frown at her words, temporarily having forgotten that this woman already knows me much better than I know her. 

“What about your fiancé?” I venture, wondering what the story is there. 

“I used to miss him a great deal, before you and I got together.” Janeway replies honestly and then shrugs. “He’s married to someone else now. But he still takes care of my dog.” She smiles.

I bite my lip. “You and me… How serious were we?” I blurt out the question that is suddenly omnipresent in my mind. Did we envision a future growing old together or was it just a fling?

The grin on her face morphs into vulnerability.   
“It was serious B’Elanna. For both of us I dare say.”   
She pauses and locks onto my eyes.   
“I love you.” 

My throat feels dry and I try to swallow. I have no idea how to handle these words or the feelings directed towards me. 

Then Kathryn –I can’t think of her as Captain right now– breaks our eye-contact and looks down.   
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting this on you. You have enough going on as it is.” 

I grab her hand.   
“I want to figure this out…” I speak softly. 

She looks up at me, unable to hide the hope in her eyes. 

“Will you give me some time?” I add gently. 

Kathryn nods.   
“Of course.” She murmurs. “Whatever you need.” 

I smile at her as I let go of her hand and push my chair back.   
“Thank you for dinner.” 

“You’re welcome.” She replies, a small smile breaking through on her face.   
She walks me to the door.   
“Well, goodnight.” She offers timidly.

I smile back warmly.   
“Goodnight Kathryn.” 

~

The next day I find myself in Jefferies tube thirty-nine alpha, junction forty-seven replacing a couple of plasma injectors. It’s a routine job and when I told Nicoletti I would take care of it myself, she gave me a doubtful look. I guess this is not the kind of job the Chief Engineer usually troubles herself with, but I find that the best way to familiarize myself with Voyager’s technology is to get up close and personal with it. 

My muscles are protesting from the uncomfortable position I’m forced to assume in this confined space. I’m sweating too, although I tossed my jacket aside ages ago, and my hands are covered in plasma coolant.   
And I’m absolutely loving it. 

This reminds me of my Maquis days, where this kind of thing was just normal daily activity. Here on Voyager, I don’t seem to get my hands dirty that much anymore. I wonder if I used to miss that in the past couple of years.

When I’m finished, I put my tools in my kit, grab my jacket and crawl through the endless Jefferies tubes, back to Engineering. I open the hatch, drop my tools on the floor and allow myself a luxurious stretch. 

My life on Voyager is quite alright, I decide right there on the spot. I get to tinker with advanced technologies, the people here seem to respect me for who I am, there’s never a dull moment… I have everything I need.  
And I could have even more… 

My thoughts return to Kathryn Janeway and I feel a slight flutter in my stomach. Could I even find love on this ship? It seems I did before. Could I find it again?

“Hey, B’Elanna!” Harry Kim’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Just the person I was looking for.” 

I blink as he approaches me, forcing my mind to return to the present.

He grins at me. “Are you ready for tonight?” 

I eye him quizzically, wondering if I missed something he said. 

“The velocity championship?” He urges.

“Championship?” I echo. 

He closes his eyes and sighs. “Great, no one told you about it yet.”   
Then he looks up at me. “Tom and I organized a Velocity championship on board. You’re in my team, together with Fred Ayala. We’re playing the semi-finals against Tom’s team.” 

Then he suddenly frowns as something occurs to him.   
“Wait, you do remember how the game goes, right?” 

I nod. “I know how Velocity goes, Harry.” I tell him. “But I haven’t played since my days in the Academy.”

He eyes me with doubt for a moment, but then shrugs.   
“You will do great. You were pretty good at it before your accident.”   
He starts to walk away. “Holodeck Two, 1800 hours.” He makes a fist. “We’re gonna crush them.” 

I frown at the vehemence in his voice. Obviously this is pretty important to him.   
Just to be on the safe side, I download a copy of the game rules and manage to go through them during the remainder of my shift. All thoughts of Kathryn Janeway are sent to the background. 

When I step inside the Holodeck after my shift, Harry and Ayala are already discussing our strategy. In the other corner I see Tom doing the same with Ensign Parsons. Just when I’m wondering who the third member of their team is, the Holodeck doors behind me open.

“Sorry I’m late.” A familiar voice sounds behind me and I feel my stomach tighten. 

“Captain.” Tom waves her over. “We’re discussing some final arrangements.” 

Janeway smiles at me as she brushes past me, and I can’t help but giving her a quick onceover in her sports outfit, which is much more revealing than the Starfleet uniform I’ve always seen her in. I have to admit she has a great body. 

Then Harry calls my name and pulls my thoughts back to the game at hand. 

I join the Blue team and after a brief discussion we’re all ready to begin. Everyone grabs their phaser and assumes position in anticipation of the disc materializing in the center of the field.   
I feel a familiar combativeness come over me as I get ready for the game. 

When the disc appears it immediately turns blue, meaning our team has to shoot it first and Ayala fires an impressive shot. It makes the disc lunge unexpectedly to the right as it turns red. 

From the start it’s obvious that both teams are going for the win and I do my best to score some points for my team. 

About fifteen minutes into the game the Captain manages a difficult shot but she loses her balance and bumps against me, sending me flailing to the floor. 

“Sorry.” She grins, holding out a hand to help me up. 

The contact with the soft skin and warm skin of her hand sends a bolt of energy through my body and suddenly I feel my heart beat in my throat.  
I stare at her dazedly. 

“Are you alright?” She asks, frowning slightly at my strange reaction.

I nod, not really trusting my voice as the game resumes around us. 

She throws a last quick look in my direction before powering up her phaser again and taking a shot at the disc.

I shake my head to clear it and try to focus on the game again but I’m suddenly extremely aware of the Captain’s presence in the room.   
It’s really no surprise when a few moments later the disc hits me squarely in the back. 

“Full body impact.” The Computer’s voice sounds. “Three points for team Red. Red leads; thirty-two to twenty-nine.” 

Harry groans.   
“Come on B’Elanna!” 

“Sorry.” I say to my teammates, trying to ignore Tom’s satisfied smirk. 

“You don’t have to just give us the points B’Elanna.” Janeway jeers good-naturedly. “We can win this game fair and square.” 

Her taunting kicks me into gear and my combative nature resurfaces with a vengeance. The rest of the game I double my efforts.   
In the end we win the game with a margin of five points, effectively qualifying us for the finals. 

Our team cheers as the Computer announces team Blue’s victory and team Red congratulates us, wishing us luck in the finals against Baytard, Seven and Giraldi. 

“Well played.” Kathryn Janeway smiles and her eyes linger on me for a moment before she turns around and excuses herself, leaving the Holodeck.

Around us, Harry activates Sandrine’s to get a celebratory drink after the game but I mumble something about being tired, which is only partially a lie.   
I need some time alone, to think. 

~

In my quarters I recycle my outfit and activate the sonic shower. As the pulses clean every pore of my body, my mind wonders about the effect Kathryn Janeway seems to have on me. I can’t figure out if I would also be attracted to her if I didn’t already know I have been before. Am I feeling this way because I think I have to?

I get out of the shower and put on some clothes.   
The buzz in my body won’t go away. And without consciously thinking about it, I go outside and walk through the corridors until I end up at Kathryn Janeway’s doorstep, requesting entrance. 

There is a pause and I wonder for a second if she’s even there. But then the door opens and she’s in front of me, in a robe, her hair damp. 

“Sorry.” She apologizes for the delay as she lets me in. “I was just taking a bath…”

Without saying anything, I take her hand and she gazes up at me with a questioning look. 

The buzz in my body turns into a full hum. Her flowery scent envelopes me and I briefly close my eyes, trying to figure out where I’ve smelled it before.   
Without realizing, I gravitate toward her and my free hand reaches out to touch her face. 

Her eyes briefly close as she leans in to the touch and in one fluent motion I tilt up her chin and then my lips brush against hers, barely touching.  
I realize with a jolt this somehow feels familiar.

I pull back and gaze into Kathryn’s eyes and realize that they’re filled with emotion.   
Then she slowly reaches out and cups my face before she softly kisses me. 

My body sings at the sensation. It feels like coming home. 

When I deepen the kiss, she moans deep in her throat and it sets my blood on fire. My hands slide down from her face and roam over her body. With my hands on her hips, I briefly break our kiss and rest my forehead against hers. 

“I think I remember this feeling…” I breathe. 

I feel her smile as she nuzzles my neck.   
“Yeah?” She whispers huskily and then lightly bites my earlobe.   
“Let’s see what else you remember…”

Her hands deftly open my jacket and she pushes it off my shoulders. Then she takes my hands and places them on the sash of her robe, gently urging me to open it. 

I hold my breath as I reveal her body and then our lips meet again while our hands explore freely.   
Clothing is discarded in search of bare flesh and our touches become more intimate. 

The exact details are a bit blurry, but somehow we end up in bed, and I lose track of the number of times I cry out in ecstasy. 

She knows my body better than I know it myself. Her touch is delicate, yet deliberate, and always on the right spot, coaxing sensations out of me I don’t remember experiencing before. 

In return I make a real effort to regain the knowledge I lost about her body, finding it exquisitely responsive to my touch.

I know with absolute certitude that this is more than just sex. It’s obvious in the way we touch each other, the way we look into each other’s eyes, the ease by which we surrender to one another. 

It’s much later when we finally fall asleep, satiated and properly reacquainted. 

And it’s a little after that when –still early in the morning– I wake up alone in the bed. I stretch, feeling a pleasant ache in my muscles. A smile creeps around the corners of my mouth as I think back to the memorable moments of the last couple of hours. 

I hear a small sound in the living room and I wonder how long my lover will be. My desire to feel her skin on mine drives me out of bed and I grab my shirt on my way into the other room.   
I find Kathryn on the couch, staring out to the stars. 

I slip behind her on the couch and press a kiss on her robe-clad shoulder.   
“Hi.” I breathe in her ear and she turns to me.   
When I notice her teary face, I’m instantly worried.   
“What’s wrong?” I ask, alarmed. 

Kathryn opens her mouth and then takes a deep breath to compose herself, closing her eyes. 

“It’s alright, take your time.” I speak softly, gently rubbing her arm.   
I take her hand into mine, concerned but silently supporting her. 

“There’s something you need to know.” She says quietly. “I probably should have told you before but…” 

I frown. “Told me what?” 

“Two days before your accident you broke up with me.”   
She retracts her hand from mine at the statement. 

I blink.   
“What are you talking about?”   
For a second I wonder if it’s a joke, but her face clearly shows she’s serious.   
“Why?” I ask.

With a sniff, she rubs her face and gets up from the couch.   
I remain seated because I figure she needs some space. I wait for her explanation, trying to quench the rising trepidation inside me.

“We were going through a bit of a rough patch…” She starts, and I notice her focus turning inward as she remembers. “We used to fight more often, about little things…” Her voice trails off and her face contorts as if she doesn’t want to think about it. 

I try to imagine us fighting and wonder what on earth would make me decide to break up with her.   
I briefly wonder if I even want to know. Maybe I’m not ready yet to confront the darker side of her, of us, so soon after I discovered my love for her.

Before I can say anything though, Kathryn takes a deep breath and continues.   
“In the weeks before your accident, we were travelling through the Devore Imperium.” She pauses briefly, waving her hand as she elaborates. “The Devore are a race wary of strangers, so in order to pass through their territory we had to adhere to strict guidelines. Deviations from our approved route, contact with other vessels, harboring of telepaths,… All these things were out of the question.”

I frown, remembering we have a least two Vulcans on board that could be at the very least considered to be telepathic.   
“What about Tuvok?” I state. “And Vorrik?” 

Kathryn explains. “Tuvok, Vorrik and Jurot, as well as a group of Brenari telepaths we were smuggling out of Devore space were hidden from the Devore inspections teams by keeping them in transport suspension.”   
She points at me. “You came up with that brilliant idea.”

I nod briefly at the compliment, but I can’t help but wonder what that has to do with me breaking up with her. 

At my questioning look, Kathryn continues.   
“Every time the Devore inspection teams boarded Voyager in search of violations of their laws, they couldn’t find anything. But they were more than suspicious.”   
She pauses briefly, collecting her thoughts.   
“At one point, unexpectedly, one of the Devore inspectors –Kashyk– showed up, alone, in a shuttlecraft. He told me he knew all about the telepaths we were holding in transport suspension. But he said he wanted to help us get them to safety, out of Devore space.” 

She shakes her head. “I was skeptical of course, and rightfully so as it would turn out. But he did everything he could to make me believe he was sincere… And I knew that even if he wasn’t, we had the best chance of rescuing these telepaths if I led Kashyk to believe that his efforts to gain my trust were working…” 

Her voice lowers to a mere whisper. “I went beyond the call of duty to make him think that I trusted him… I flirted with him, I-” Her voice breaks. “I kissed him.” 

Briefly she stares in my direction while I look at her dumbfounded. 

“You were so angry when you found out.” She speaks hoarsely. “You said that if our relationship meant so little to me, then it was probably best to end it…” She sniffles. 

I have no idea what to say to that, so I don’t say anything. On one hand I find it hard to believe that I would want to break up with her only because of this, but on the other hand I’m very much aware of how little I know about our relationship or the ‘rough patch’ she just mentioned we were going through. 

“Why are you telling me this?” I ask.

She looks at me and frowns questioningly. 

“You could have just said nothing about this, pretend it never happened.” I explain and shrug. “I never would have found out, most likely.” 

She stares at me like I’ve grown a second head.  
“But I would know.” She whispers vehemently.   
“I made mistakes and I lost you because of that.” She swallows hard. “Now… maybe I have a second chance. And if that’s the case, I need to do it right.” 

Her eyes lock onto mine and I feel my stomach tighten as I recognize the hope in them.   
Deep down I realize I could never turn her away right now. Not so soon after I found her. 

I get up and move closer to her.  
“I can’t dwell on what happened between us in the past,” I speak softly, “because I don’t remember any of it.” I take her hand. “I can only look at the future. And I want a future with you.” 

She searches my eyes. “Do you really mean that?” She asks hoarsely. 

I take her face in my hands. “Yes.” I breathe. “All I know right now is how good it feels to be with you. I’m not willing to let that go.” 

I gently kiss her lips and then draw her closer, feeling the tension in her body dissipate as she leans against me.   
We stand like that for a moment, drawing comfort from each other.  
“Maybe we should-” I start but I’m interrupted by a beeping sound. 

“Computer, turn off alarm clock.” Kathryn orders and then sighs. “I have the morning shift.” She murmurs against my neck. 

“Me too.” I answer, but I keep holding her, reluctant to let go.  
“We probably still have time for breakfast, don’t we?” 

She leans back and gazes at me, and I still discern some uncertainty in her. 

So I grin, determined to take away her doubts.   
“I’m famished after last night.” I wink suggestively. “I’m really going to need to eat if you want to keep this up.” 

A smile appears on her face and she nods as she disentangles from me.   
“Sit down, I’ll get us something.” She says and heads to the replicator.   
“Yoghurt-cruesli, two servings.” 

I give the bowl she puts in front of me a questioning look, remembering her lack of replicating skills. 

Kathryn grins. “Don’t worry, you programmed this into my replicator yourself.”   
With a wink, she puts fruit juice for me and a cup of coffee for her on the table before sitting down. 

Tentatively, I try my breakfast and nod approvingly. “Not bad.” 

She reaches out to cover my hand with her own and squeezes it.   
“I’m so glad we have another chance together.” She speaks softly. 

I grab her hand and softly, reassuringly, stroke it with my thumb.   
“You said that we were going through a rough patch before.” I start saying. “What did we fight about?” 

Her face turns serious and she tilts her head, as if she doesn’t want to think about that now. 

“I’m only asking because maybe we can avoid making the same mistakes this time.” I elaborate. “It won’t change how I feel about you now.” 

She bites her lip and nods.   
“Well, the thing with Crell Moset didn’t help, as you might imagine.” She offers. 

I nod, vividly remembering my anger about that. But I keep my focus to the present.   
“What else?” I inquire softly.

Kathryn shrugs. “I guess most of it comes down to the secrecy of our relationship. That weighed heavily on both of us, forced us to make questionable choices and set the wrong priorities.” 

She frowns as a sad look crosses her face and I can’t help but wonder about our fights.   
I lace my fingers with hers. “It’s all in the past.” I whisper. “We start fresh.” 

Her expression is vulnerable and she searches my eyes, looking for a trace of insincerity on my part. 

I get up and pull her up with me, drawing her in a close embrace and gently kiss her lips to convince her I’m serious. I kiss her again, and again, until she puts her hands on my chest to stop me.   
“I have to be on the Bridge in less than twenty minutes.” She breathes. 

“Mmm.” I murmur in her hair before letting go of her.   
“Do you have plans for tonight?” I ask as I pick up my jacket from the floor.

She smiles.   
“Yes.” She takes the dishes from the table to recycle them. “I was planning on taking a long luxurious soak in my tub.” 

“Really…” I purr. “Would you like some company for that?” 

She throws me a seductive look over her shoulder. “Are you offering?” 

“No. I just thought I’d ask around if anyone’s interested.” I deadpan and duck as she picks up my pants from the sofa and throws them at my head. 

I slip into my uniform and follow her to the bathroom where she’s getting dressed. Leaning against the doorjamb, I watch her for a moment as she puts her make-up on and my heart flutters in my chest.

I move to stand behind her and circle my arms around her body, resting my head on her shoulder. Our mirror images smile back at us.

“I love you.” I tell her and it’s true. 

“I love you too.” She murmurs happily. 

~

With a smile on my face, I enter Engineering right on time and go over to Fred Ayala who’s signing off from the night shift.   
“Got a status update?” I ask him in passing and I nod in thanks as he hands me a PADD. 

I stop in my tracks when I activate it and start reading the content.   
I turn at him with a grin. “I’m the first one to admit I’m not up to speed yet with all the details of this engine, but I’m pretty sure this has nothing to do with the warp core…” I wave the PADD at my colleague. 

Ayala takes the PADD and starts laughing as he reads it.   
“Sorry Lieutenant, those are my lines.” He takes another PADD and briefly looks at it before handing it to me. “This is the status update.” 

“Your lines?” I ask, accepting the status update. “Lines for what?”

“The play.” He states matter-of-factly. At my questioning look he elaborates. “A bunch of us started a theater group on Voyager two years ago. Our third play premiers in two days.”

My eyebrows rise at the thought of my former Maquis colleague participating in a play. I never would have pegged him for an actor.   
“I see.” I grin doubtfully. 

“You said you would come, before your accident.” He states enthusiastically. 

I smile. “Wouldn’t miss it Fred.”   
I’m curious to see him on stage if nothing else.   
“Thanks for the status update.” I greet him as he logs off from his console, effectively ending his shift just like his colleagues on the night shift. 

The status update is pretty straightforward but shows a small decrease in the power output, so I check the matter/antimatter reaction rate at the console near the warp core.   
During my work, my mind can’t help but drift to Kathryn Janeway and our night together and a smile dances around my mouth.

I absently nod at Ensign Parsons when he passes me.   
“Are you coming to poker night this evening?” He asks and I look up belatedly realizing he’s talking to Giraldi behind me. 

I return my focus to my console, but can’t help but overhear the conversation behind me.  
“Nah, I have Velocity practice this evening with Seven and Baytard.” I can hear the grin in his voice. “Unlike you we did make it to the finals.” 

I make a mental note that I still have to find some time to practice for the upcoming Velocity finals because Harry will kill me if I’m not at my best game.   
I focus back on the readouts, but the conversation behind me keeps catching my attention. 

“So did you get anywhere with her yet?” I hear Parsons tease Giraldi and I can’t help but wonder who they’re talking about.

“No man.” Giraldi answers. “I keep trying to chat her up, but she’s always so focused on whatever task at hand.” I hear him sigh. “I give her compliments and it’s like she doesn’t even hear them.” 

“Maybe you’re being too subtle.” Parsons suggests and I bite my lip to keep from grinning. In what universe are men ever subtle? 

“You think?” Giraldi ponders. 

“Yeah.” Parsons continues, seemingly convinced he’s on the right track. “She never had a boyfriend, she probably doesn’t even know how flirting works.” 

I roll my eyes, wondering who on this ship could be that innocent. 

“This evening, during Velocity practice, you should just tell her that you like her.” Parsons continues and it dawns on me that they’re talking about Seven. I remember how Harry also has a crush on her and I wonder what they all see in the cold ex-Borg. 

I shake my head and notice the readouts on my console show that the magnetic constrictors are not completely aligned. So I head to the upper level to adjust them. 

When I run into Nicoletti and tell her that we will have to recalibrate the plasma flow this afternoon, she frowns at me. I’ve seen that look on many faces since my accident: obviously there’s something I’m not aware of. 

“What am I missing this time?” I ask with a grin. 

“This afternoon is Commander Chakotay’s surprise party.” Nicoletti clarifies friendly. “He’s turning forty-five.” 

Forty-five. Intuitively, the number seems wrong, although I know it isn’t.  
Once again I find it confronting how much time has passed without me remembering any of it.

“Right, we’ll do the recalibration tomorrow then.” I tell Nicoletti. “What time does the party start?” 

“16h00, Mess Hall.” She informs me. 

I nod in thanks.   
That gives me a little bit of time to figure out what present I can get my old friend. 

I spend the remainder of my shift aligning the magnetic constrictors and wind up replicating a pair of boxing gloves for Chakotay with ‘the Tattooed Terror’ emblazoned on them. I remember he used to be quite good in his days and I’m betting that even if he’s not boxing anymore, he’ll appreciate the memory. 

At 16h00 hours I make my way to the party, hoping it won’t last too long. I’m anxious to see Kathryn again.   
When I enter the Mess Hall, I see many of my colleagues and it dawns on me that I’ll probably see her at the party as well. The prospect lifts my spirits. 

I look around but she’s not there yet, so I join Tom and Harry.   
Then Chell enters the Mess Hall, making frantic movements. “They’re coming! They’re coming!”   
Everyone gets quiet and the lights are turned off. 

The doors open and Chakotay enters with the Captain. They appear to be in deep discussion. Chakotay stops talking when he notices the room is dark.   
“Computer…” He starts.

But he’s interrupted when everyone yells ‘surprise!’ and the lights come back on.   
For a moment he’s rendered speechless and everyone in the room is grinning. 

I sing and clap with my colleagues, but I only have eyes for the woman standing next to Chakotay. I haven’t seen the Captain this carefree in uniform before. She’s laughing freely and patting Chakotay on the back, happy that her part of luring him to the Mess Hall without raising suspicion worked.

My breath catches in my throat at the sight of my striking lover. 

Her eyes fall on me and I wink at her, but she immediately looks away. 

I frown. 

Neelix comes from behind the counter wheeling a cart with a huge birthday cake on it.   
“Happy birthday Commander!” He smiles cheerfully, indicating the burning candles on it. “Make a wish!”

The room erupts in cheers and applause as Chakotay blows out the candles.   
I halfheartedly join in but I keep my eyes trained on Kathryn, wondering if something is wrong. I would have at least expected some kind of recognition in her gaze.   
Rationally I know she’s probably just ‘being the Captain’ right now, and not my lover. I know that our relationship is a secret, but I hadn’t expected that to be so painful. It almost feels like rejection. 

I watch as she hands her present to Chakotay and it’s clear that he’s touched by it.   
A couple of others step up with gifts and I join them. 

When he opens my gift, Chakotay chuckles, admiring the boxing gloves.   
“I haven’t heard that name in a while.” He grins, referring to ‘the Tattooed Terror’. 

“It’s a nice memory.” I explain. “Those have to be cherished.” 

Chakotay looks at me thoughtfully and nods.   
“Thank you.” He speaks sincerely. 

A couple of other gifts follow and then Neelix starts cutting the cake.   
Harry hands me a piece.   
“So, Chakotay used to box?” He asks, clearly curious. 

I can’t help but grin.   
“He used to be quite good back in the day.” 

From the corner of my eye I see Tom and the Captain join us.   
I mentally steel myself, expecting an impersonal greeting from my lover. To my relief she smiles at me and Harry. 

“Are you ready for the Velocity finals next week?” She asks. “Beating Seven and her team won’t be easy.” 

“We’ll be alright.” Harry speaks confidently. 

“Are you sure?” Tom chimes in. “I hear they’re on the Holodeck all the time, practicing.” 

The look on Harry’s face turns doubtful. “Where’s Ayala?” He starts, looking around. “Maybe we should also get some extra training in…” 

Tom grins and pats Harry on the back. “You’re dead meat.” 

Laughing, the Captain shakes her head. “I look forward to watching the game.”   
She starts to leave and then turns around to me. “Oh, B’Elanna, feel free to stop by later to discuss that project of yours.” 

“Thanks Captain.” I nod, trying to keep the smile from my face as I think of our plans later. 

“What project?” Harry asks as she leaves. “You don’t have time to start new projects! We have to practice for the game.” 

“Relax Harry.” I try to assuage him. “It’s just some thoughts I had about warp core efficiency. We’ll have plenty of time to practice.” 

During the rest of the party, I can’t help but keep track of my lover. I watch her as she socializes with the crew, smiling and talking to people.   
Her eyes never seek out mine, and I can’t help but feeling a bit disappointed about that. 

~

It’s later that evening when I press her doorchime. 

“There you are.” Kathryn murmurs huskily as the door closes behind me.   
She wraps her arms around my waist and kisses me softly. 

Somehow, she must sense my hesitation because she pulls back and looks at me worriedly.   
“Something wrong?” 

I bite my lip, unsure how to broach the subject.  
“In the Mess Hall, when you acted like there’s nothing between us…” I pause, shaking my head. “I understand but… it’s just not a very nice feeling.” 

Her shoulders sag and she sighs. 

I tilt my head.   
“I don’t know how you do it.” 

She gives me a weary smile.   
“I had ample practice in the matter.” Tenderly, she cups my face. “But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me.” 

With a small nod, I sigh.   
“Is it really necessary, all the secrecy?” 

Kathryn frowns. “This relationship is against protocol, B’Elanna.” She states. “Our choices are either to hide it or to end it.” 

I frown. “And what would happen if we just ignored protocol?” I ask. “Do you really think Starfleet would court martial you for this when we get home?” 

She disentangles from me. Next to the physical distance, I can feel an emotional one forming also.  
“It’s not about Starfleet.” She counters. “It’s about the smooth functioning of this ship.” 

From the tone of her voice I reckon we’ve had this argument before. Obviously it didn’t have the desired outcome then and I doubt it will now. 

For a moment, I curse the fact that I don’t remember anything about our relationship and it dawns on me that I actually know next to nothing about the woman standing in front of me either. 

I hold up my hands in surrender.   
“I’m just scared this will destroy us, like it did last time.” I whisper. “You said yourself how the secrecy weighed heavily on our relationship.”   
I look down at my hands.   
“I don’t want us to make the same mistakes this time and end up losing you.” 

“Oh honey.” Kathryn whispers and gathers me back in her arms. 

“Do you really think that being with me makes you less of a Captain?” I ask with my face buried in her hair. 

Before she can answer the question, the doorchime sounds, interrupting us.   
Immediately, Kathryn lets go of me and throws me an apologetic look. 

“I have to…” She indicates the door.

I nod as she instructs the computer to open the door. 

My annoyance at the interruption only rises when I see Seven of Nine stride in. Instead of her cat-suit uniform, she’s wearing a sports outfit.

“Captain. I require your advice.” She starts, without so much as acknowledging me. 

“Business or personal?” Kathryn asks concisely. 

The blonde ex-borg tilts her head.   
“Personal.” She states with a slight hesitation. 

I study her closer, realizing she’s being less arrogant than usual. In fact she seems a little agitated. 

“Now is not really a good time Seven.” Janeway states curtly. 

I notice an apprehensive look in the Borg’s eyes followed by a slight hesitation before she turns around. Suddenly remember the conversation between Parsons and Giraldi that I overheard in Engineering.   
“What happened?” I blurt out before she reaches the door.

She stops and turns to me as my lover throws me an incredulous look. 

“I believe Ensign Giraldi just kissed me.” The ex-Borg states and frowns. 

“You believe?” Kathryn asks, her raised eyebrows matching mine. 

“He pressed his lips against mine and attempted to insert his tongue into my mouth.” Seven states. 

I bite my lip in an attempt to suppress my laughter at her graphical description. 

“And what did you do?” Kathryn asks, obviously not sure whether she should be amused or abhorred. 

“I came straight here.” Seven replies matter-of-factly. 

On their own volition, my lips curl into a grin at the thought of poor Giraldi finally plucking up the courage to kiss the girl he likes only to be left hanging like that. 

Kathryn obviously doesn’t know what to make of the whole thing, so I step in.   
“Why do you think he kissed you?” I ask, unsure of what knowledge the blonde possesses on dating rituals.

“I believe he wanted to express his interest in mating with me.” Seven explains. 

I can’t help but chuckle and I notice in the corner of my eye how Kathryn throws me a funny look. 

“Well…” I start, “maybe it’s a little too soon for mating, but it would be reasonable to assume that he wanted to express his interest in getting to know you better.” 

“We have spent approximately three hundred forty-four hours in each other’s company on various occasions.” The former Borg counters. “It would seem to me that we know each other already.” 

I can see from the look on her face that she’s being serious.

“Do you know if he has brothers or sisters? Does he know what your favorite music is?” I ask her. 

She frowns. “I fail to see how this is relevant.” 

Kathryn takes over.   
“Usually, when people are interested in one another, they want to know more personal things about the other person.” She explains. “It forms a connection between two people. Sharing your own experiences and thoughts, learning about the experiences and thoughts of someone else, it creates a level of intimacy most people need before feeling comfortable enough to… mate.” 

“Do you have any interest in mating with Giraldi?” I ask Seven, purposely ignoring the deterring look Kathryn sends me. 

The blonde thinks for a minute before answering.  
“I haven’t given much thought to that part of my humanity.” She tilts her head. “But I’m open to exploring my sexuality.” 

“Well,” I offer, “maybe you should get to know Giraldi a bit better first, before you decide if you want to go further with him. Just because a person likes you, doesn’t mean you have to like them back. There might be other people on this ship that you find more interesting.” I shrug. “I’m just saying it’s up to you to decide what you do and whom you do it with.” 

The ex-Borg looks at me as she takes in my words.   
“I will consider your advice.” She tells me, and I assume that’s probably the closest to saying ‘thank you’ she will ever come. 

Then, as though deciding she has the information she needs, Seven greets us abruptly and before we can say anything, she turns around to leave. 

Kathryn and I both watch as the door closes behind her and then turn to each other with raised eyebrows. 

“What was that all about?” Kathryn speaks bewildered. 

I shrug and hold up my hands.   
“No idea. I overheard Giraldi talk to Parsons about her this morning, but I had no idea he was going to kiss her.” 

Kathryn purses her lips.  
“What do you think she’s going to do now?”

I grin. “I guess we’ll find out one way or another.”   
Taking a step closer to my lover, I gently grab her hands. “The more interesting question is: what are we going to do now?” I change the topic. “I believe there was talk about a hot bath.” 

Kathryn throws me a sultry look and I feel my knees turn to jelly.   
“Did you find anyone willing to scrub my back?” She asks huskily, referring to my quip of this morning.

“Nope, no one.” I answer, lightly kissing her temple. “So I have no choice but to do it myself.” 

“Mmm, how noble of you.” Kathryn murmurs before her lips capture mine. 

We make our way to the bathroom while fumbling at each other’s uniforms. Once inside Kathryn manages to break away from my insistent kisses long enough to order a nice warm scented bath. The remainder of our clothes is discarded quickly and the lights are dimmed to a soft glow. 

We step into the tub and I continue to kiss her while my hands slide over her body. The hot water only fuels our passion and it doesn’t take long before our caresses become more urgent and our moans reverberate off the bathroom walls. 

Afterwards she’s lying in my arms and I entwine my fingers with hers.   
She exhales deeply and happily leans against me. I quietly revel in the closeness of her body, so completely relaxed against mine. 

“This is heavenly.” Kathryn whispers throatily. 

“Mmm.” I hum by way of agreement, nuzzling her hair. 

The hot water surrounds us and I feel both our heartbeats slow down. I feel pretty mellow in the aftermath.

My thoughts turn to the conversation we had this evening about going public with our relationship and my realization on how little I know about the woman lying here in this tub with me. 

“I don’t know what your favorite music is.” I whisper. 

“Huh?”   
I can sense that she’s frowning. 

“There’s so much I don’t know about you.” I add lightly and I grin. “I just told Seven how important it is to get to know a person before taking things further, but here I am setting a really bad example.” I purposely keep a humorous note in my voice. 

She chuckles. “Well, if it helps, I like music from Earth’s classical period: Tchaikovsky, Mahler.”  
Then she squeezes my hand. “Anything you need to know, just ask. Although you already know the most important thing. You know how I feel about you.” 

I hug her from behind and kiss her temple, feeling another kind of warmth spread through me. 

“It was very nice of you to give Seven advice.” Kathryn speaks after a beat. And she hesitates a bit before continuing. “You didn’t used to like her very much.”

I bite my lip. I’m pretty sure that ‘I still don’t like her very much’ is not the sentiment she’s looking for.   
“I suppose she takes some getting used to.” I offer noncommittally and try to steer the conversation in a slightly different direction.   
“You feel responsible for her, don’t you?” I hazard an educated guess. 

She sighs. “I was the one who pulled the plug, who separated her from the Collective.” She pauses as she remembers. “So yes, it is my responsibility to help her regain her humanity, to grow as an individual.” 

I softly stroke her upper arm. “She’s lucky to have you as her mentor.” 

Kathryn turns to study my face. She frowns as if she’s not sure whether or not it’s a good idea to speak her mind.   
“We had fights about Seven of Nine.” She ventures. “About me spending time with her.” 

I tilt my head and reach out to touch her face. “That was then, this is now.” I offer gently. “I know she’s important to you.”   
While I doubt that Seven and I will ever become best friends, I’m willing to make an effort with the blonde, for Kathryn’s sake. 

There’s relief in her eyes as she leans in to kiss me softly.   
“Thank you.” She whispers. “It means a lot to me to hear you say that.” 

I kiss her back.   
“So how often does she show up on your doorstep unannounced?” 

Kathryn makes a face. “She can be quite demanding at times. Her social skills are a work in progress.” 

“No kidding.” I grin, remembering the blonde’s abrupt and awkward interactions with myself and several others. 

A sudden flicker of nervousness flashes over Kathryn’s face.   
“Maybe she’ll become less intrusive when I tell her about our relationship.” 

“You’ll tell her about us?” I ask, surprised. 

She nods, but I’m not sure who she’s trying to convince: me or her. 

“It will be an interesting example for her, given her current questions on the matter.” She starts. “And it can be a test case for us.” 

“Test case?” I echo. 

I know my lover well enough by now to notice when she’s feeling insecure.   
“A dry run, for when we go public?” She murmurs quietly. 

My eyebrows rise even higher. “Are you serious?” 

She scoots closer to me, cupping my face. “Yes.” She breathes and searches my eyes. “I don’t want to destroy our relationship again by hiding it. I want us to have a fair chance together.”

I lean forward and smile before I place a kiss on her lips.   
“I can’t wait to do this in the next staff meeting.” I tease her.

Kathryn’s warning look quickly recedes when I kiss her again, more intimately this time, and I’m pretty sure she’s already forgotten what I was talking about.

“Want to take this someplace else?” I murmur against her lips. “Like to the bedroom?” 

She grins as she rises from the water and grabs my hand to take me with her.   
I follow her willingly.

~

The next day I spend most of my time in Engineering with Susan Nicoletti, recalibrating the plasma flow. 

After my shift, I have Velocity practice on the Holodeck with Harry and Fred Ayala in order to finetune our game for the finals next week.   
Harry really insists on a heavy training session and by the time we’re finished I’m worn out. I go to my own quarters because I know Kathryn is having dinner with Chakotay. 

I quickly take a sonic shower, replicate some pasta and realize I’m very tired. After finishing my food, I decide to go to bed in an effort to catch up on sleep. 

An undefined time later, I rouse, feeling a warm body curling up against my back.   
I grin, not really having expected to see my lover this evening. 

“Sshh, go back to sleep.” She whispers as she snuggles closer. 

Sleepily I grab her hand and bring it to my mouth to lightly kiss her knuckles.   
“I’m glad you’re here…” I mumble drowsily, feeling sleep tug at me. “How was dinner?” 

“Mmm, okay.” Kathryn nuzzles my hair.   
“I told Chakotay about us.” 

Suddenly I’m wide awake as I turn around.  
“You did what?” 

With a grin, she grabs my face and kisses me.   
“I’m going to tell everyone how crazy I am about you.” She murmurs between kisses. 

I pull back and give her an assessing look.   
“You’re a little drunk, aren’t you?” I ask, lightly tapping her nose. 

“Maybe just a little.” She confesses, biting her lip. 

There’s a lot more I want to ask her, but instead I gather her in my arms. “Why don’t you sleep it off before you start making public announcements over the comm at this time of night…” 

My lover throws me a provocative look as she reaches out for her combadge but I grab her arm to stop her. 

“That wasn’t a suggestion.” I roll my eyes, wondering if she’ll still feel this audacious in the morning.

With a twinkle in her eyes, she settles against me and I watch her features soften as sleep claims her.   
I know that a part of me remembers her, remembers being with her, because it seems impossible to me that I could have developed such deep feelings for her in this short time that I’ve known her. 

~

The alarm wakes us both the next morning and I feel Kathryn’s arms tighten around me.

“Mmm, this is nice…” She murmurs, nuzzling my hair. “Almost perfect.” 

I turn to her and frown. “Almost?” 

“Coffee would make it perfect.” She sighs wishfully.

I laugh and bite her earlobe. “Oh yeah?”   
Then I playfully pin her to the mattress and kiss her.  
“Well, maybe you’ll have to earn it first…” 

Kathryn kisses me back and then with difficulty turns away, licking her lips.   
“We have a staff meeting in less than half an hour.” 

I sigh, and then grin.   
“Want to save time and take a sonic shower together?” 

Sitting up, Kathryn laughs. “I doubt that would save time.”   
She traces my lips with her index finger. “You go ahead. I really need a cup of coffee first.” 

I head for the bathroom and step into the sonic shower. 

A short while later, I hear Kathryn enter the room and I turn around. My lover reclines against the wall as she sips her coffee. I watch her savor the dark liquid before I speak.

“So what did you tell Chakotay?” 

Kathryn tilts her head. “He asked if there was a specific reason why I seemed so happy recently.” She starts and winks. “So I told him it was because of you.” 

I laugh, remembering my questions to him about the Captain and his answers.   
“I bet he didn’t see that one coming.” 

Kathryn shrugs. “I guess he was still hoping I’d end up with him one day.” 

I frown. “Huh?”

She gives me a look. “Chakotay has always had a soft spot for me.” She elaborates. “We were once stranded on a planet together, convinced we would have to spend the rest of our lives there, just the two of us.” She takes another sip of coffee. “He told me then he had feelings for me.” 

I stare at my lover, taking in this new information.   
For the umpteenth time since my accident I wonder about all the little things I don’t remember about my own life as well as the lives of the people around me. 

“I didn’t know he liked you.” I state, although I can easily imagine that my old friend could fall for her. “I hope he didn’t take the news too hard…” 

“He’s glad we’re both happy.” Kathryn reassures me and takes my hand when I step out of the shower to pull me close for a kiss.   
“It felt great to tell someone about us.” She whispers. 

I smile fondly at her while she puts down her coffee cup and takes my place in the sonic shower. 

“I’m glad you told Chakotay.” I speak softly, while putting on my underwear. 

She grins. “One down, and a whole ship to go.” 

I grab my sonic toothbrush. “Last night you were ready to make a shipwide announcement over the comm, remember?” I grin. 

“Well that would have been a bit rash.” She speaks and I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to backpedal from this whole ‘going public’ deal. 

“You’re going to the play tonight, right?” Kathryn asks and I turn around to face her, wondering what that has to do with anything. 

I nod. “Yeah.” I mumble, with the toothbrush still in my mouth.

“Maybe we could go together?” She asks timidly. 

With a grin I put the toothbrush down. “That would be great.”   
I try to contain my excitement. 

In the shower, Kathryn shrugs. “I was thinking, we could be not too obvious about it, but also not hide that we’re together. Let the crew get used to the idea.” 

Smiling, I nod. “Good idea.” 

Kathryn turns off the sonic shower and steps out. I can see she’s a bit nervous about the whole thing, so I gently draw her closer to me.   
“The crew’s going to be fine with this.” I murmur into her hair and she nods. 

Just then, I hear the doorchime and I frown, wondering who’s requesting entrance. 

I give my lover a reassuring look before exiting the bathroom and closing the door behind me.   
“Come in.” I state, pulling my tank top over my head and fitting the fabric into the waistband of my pants. 

Harry Kim enters my quarters when the doors open. 

“Hi B’Elanna.” He speaks, ever cheerful. “Do you have some time today after your shift? I want to go over the game strategy with you and Ayala.” 

I shake my head. “Harry, Ayala’s play premiers tonight. I doubt he’ll have much time for Velocity-related things.” 

Harry’s face darkens at that piece of information and he sighs. “Right. I completely forgot about that.” Then he looks up at me. “Are you going to the play?” 

I nod and his shoulders sag. 

“Well, maybe you and I can discuss the strategy now, on our way to the staff meeting?” He asks in hopeful tones. 

“I haven’t even finished getting dressed yet Harry.” I try to dissuade him, pretending to look for my socks and boots. 

Apparently winning the Velocity finals is the most important thing in Harry’s world right now. And although his enthusiasm is endearing, I can’t bring myself to be as gung-ho about it as he seems to be.

Not taking the hint, Harry bends down, picks up my boots and hands them over to me.   
“So, I was thinking we start with a classic two-one attack formation.” He starts, looking at me expectantly. 

“Sure.” I nod absently, sitting down to put my socks and shoes on.   
I’m trying to figure out how I can get him out of my quarters so that I can at least sneak in a kiss from my lover before the staff meeting, which starts in less than ten minutes. 

He grins and continues. “Of course they’ll figure out pretty quickly what our plan is, so I suggest that after about three ins, we shift to a one-slim strategy, pressing their defense. What do you think?” Harry asks. 

I’ve finished putting on my shoes and he hands me the jacket that was haphazardly thrown on the back of a chair last night. 

“Here’s your…”   
Harry stops short as we both notice that the shoulders of the jacket are not gold, like my engineering uniform should be, but command red. 

I take the jacket –which is obviously not mine– and watch him as he frowns and looks around the empty room.   
His eyes settle on the closed bathroom door.   
“Oh.” He stammers, suddenly endearingly nervous as he realizes someone else is here.   
He backpedals in the direction of the main door. “Sorry.” 

The door to the corridor opens as he approaches and Harry turns to me. “I’ll uh… see you in the Staff Meeting.” 

I exhale as the door closes behind him and shake my head as I open the bathroom door. 

“That was Harry.” I tell my lover who’s giving me a questioning look. “He made a beeline for the door when he realized this was not my jacket…” 

I hand her the jacket and she sighs. “This will feed the rumor mill.”   
Then she grins and shrugs. “Oh well…” 

I smile and take her hand. “I don’t think he’s figured out this was your jacket, but we’ll certainly draw attention if we’re both late for the staff meeting.” 

She quickly puts on her jacket and when we exit my quarters we both easily slip into a professional demeanor, our conversation focused on work-related topics. 

We take the turbolift to Deck One and it stops on Deck Three where Tom Paris enters, greeting us in his usual way. He obviously hasn’t spoken to Harry yet.

The three of us enter the Briefing Room right on time and sit down.   
All through the meeting I can feel Harry’s curious eyes on me, and I can’t help but wonder who he suspects is the owner of the jacket he found in my quarters. 

After the meeting I avoid him and my rumbling stomach urges me to make a stop in the Mess Hall to get some breakfast, since I didn’t have time for it this morning.

When I’m at the counter, scooping some lukewarm scrambled eggs on a plate, Neelix pokes his head around the corner of the kitchen. 

“Ah Lieutenant, I can make some fresh eggs for you if you want.” He offers. 

I smile. “Thanks Neelix. That would be nice.” 

He puts a pan on the stove, but doesn’t have much luck turning it on. 

I frown nodding at the piece of technology.  
“Want me to take a look at that?” 

He nods at the stove. “It has been acting up since yesterday. I don’t know what’s wrong.” 

I grab a toolkit from the storage compartment in the wall and start looking for the cause of the malfunction. My readings point to a defect in a flow regulator which I have to access from the Jefferies tubes adjacent to the Mess Hall. 

It takes me a couple of minutes to find the exact regulator that is broken and –mindful of the limited supplies on Voyager– I attempt to repair it instead of just replacing it. 

I’m so focused on my work, I don’t hear Tom Paris until he’s right behind me. 

“So here’s where you’re hiding out.” 

I jump and drop the regulator on the floor.   
“Damn it Tom.” I mutter. “You shouldn’t sneak up on a person like that.” 

“Sorry.” He grins and eyes me speculatively. “So, any idea why Harry would ask me if I was the person hiding in your bathroom this morning?” 

I frown, feigning surprise at his words, but the look in his eyes tells me he isn’t fooled.   
“Why would anyone be hiding in my bathroom?” I ask coyly. 

Tom cocks his head, narrowing his eyes.  
“That’s a good question, isn’t it?” 

I stare at him hard, holding his gaze for a moment. Then I shrug.   
“You’re a smart guy. You’ll figure it out.” I smirk.

I see his eyes widen at my unspoken admission that at least someone was in my bathroom this morning and gleam appears in them at the challenge of finding out who it was.   
“Oh, I will figure this out.” He grins.

“Let me know when you do.” I can’t help but taunt at his receding back and he throws me a dirty look. 

Shaking my head I finish the repairs on the plasma regulator and head back to Neelix’s kitchen. 

I check the plasma flow in the conduit underneath the stove, figuring I’ve really earned my breakfast today. When I get up to turn it on, I feel a flash of pain and suddenly find myself lying on my back on the floor.

“Lieutenant!” Neelix shouts, hovering over me.

I groan and rub the back of my head. Getting hit by an energy discharge is never an enjoyable experience and this time it hurts just as much as the previous times I remember.

“I’m alright.” I grumble, getting up from the floor.  
“Don’t touch that stove.” I warn Neelix and I grab my tools to fix what went wrong. 

“Thanks Lieutenant.” Neelix places his hand on my shoulder when I finish a couple of minutes later.   
“Why don’t you sit down and let me whip up an extra special omelet.” He grins. “You certainly earned it.” 

I nod and sit down at one of the tables in the empty Mess Hall.   
Reaching back, I touch my head and I can feel a nasty bump growing there. 

Behind me, I hear the door to the Mess Hall open and I see Chakotay stride in. He smiles at me when he sees me and comes over to my table.   
“Mind if I sit?” 

I gesture at an empty seat. “Be my guest.” 

As he sits down, he looks around to see if Neelix is out of earshot and then leans closer to me.   
“I heard about you and the Captain.” He smiles. “I’m really happy for you.” 

I nod and take his hand. “Thanks. That means a lot.”   
He seems genuine about his words, and I’m glad that he can put his feelings for Kathryn aside and be happy for me. 

“It must be strange for you, not remembering most of your relationship with her.” He states. 

Slowly I nod. “Yeah, it’s weird. But it’s like I remember her anyhow. I don’t quite know how to explain.” 

Chakotay grins. “I guess your heart remembers what your brain forgot.” 

A wide grin appears on my face, because he just said it perfectly.   
“Yeah, that’s exactly right…” I nod slowly. 

He smiles at me knowingly. “Like I said, I’m really happy you two found each other.”

“What do you think the rest of the crew would think about our relationship?” I ask, knowing he’ll probably have an accurate idea about it.

He shrugs. “I don’t think anyone will have a problem with it.” 

I tilt my head. “Well, we’ll know soon enough. We’re going to the play together this evening.” 

Chakotay grins. “The play?”

“Are you talking about the play tonight?” Neelix asks as he sets down a plate of scrambled eggs in front of me. “It seems everyone is going.” He adds as he sits down.

“Well, if it’s as good as their last two productions, we’re in for a treat.” Chakotay chuckles. 

“Yeah? Are they any good?” I ask, still curious about the acting skills of Fred Ayala. 

“They’re fantastic.” Neelix grins. 

On my prompting, both men proceed to tell me about the previous plays and we chat for a while as I finally have breakfast. 

When I’m done, I proceed to Engineering and I’m pleased to find all systems running within normal parameters.   
It gives me some time to catch up with all the administrative things that are apparently also part of the job. 

After about an hour of focusing on maintenance schedules and energy consumption predictions, Seven of Nine appears in the doorway of my office. 

“Lieutenant, I need a moment of your time.” She speaks.

I lean back in my chair, welcoming a break from my administrative duties. I briefly wonder if Kathryn has told her about our relationship, but quickly discard the thought.  
“Sure, have a seat.” I offer friendly.

“I prefer to stand.” Comes the almost automatic reply.

I shrug and get up as well. I prefer to converse with the blonde on more or less equal height.  
“What can I help you with?” 

“Ensign Giraldi asked me to accompany him to the play tonight.” She starts. “I am uncertain how to proceed.” 

“Well,” I say, “that’s a good idea for a first date. You can watch the play together and then use it as a conversation starter when you go for a drink afterwards.” 

She frowns. “Will talking about a play establish the connection between us that is required for mating?” 

My eyebrows rise at her words. “Well, it can be a first step.” I elaborate. “But I would throw in a couple of more dates before considering the ‘mating’ part.” 

“How many dates did you require before mating with the Captain?” Seven asks straightforward.

I blink a couple of times at the audacity of her question and figure that Kathryn indeed talked to her about us.   
“I don’t remember exactly, Seven.” I sputter, for once happy that I can use my memory loss as a valid excuse. 

“Look, it all depends on the situation.” I add after a beat. “The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with what happens.” I give her a pointed look. “Whenever you’re not comfortable with what happens, let him know okay?”

Seven gives me an assessing look and nods. “Your advice is satisfactory.”   
True to her abrupt nature, she turns around to leave.

I smile. “Well, I guess we’ll see you tonight.” 

The blonde raises an eyebrow as she turns her head. 

“The play.” I explain. “Kathryn and I are also going.” 

She nods curtly before exiting my office and as I watch her receding back, I wonder what made me become her go-to person for dating advice. 

I find that deep down, I don’t exactly mind. I doubt we will ever become real friends, but perhaps the knowledge that we share Kathryn –albeit in a totally different way– is enough for us to have some sort of détente. We both understand it means a lot for the person who is most important to both of us that we get along. 

~

After my shift, I go to my quarters to slip into off-duty attire suitable for going to the play with Kathryn. I browse through my closet, which mostly contains unfamiliar items, and settle on a burgundy top with a plunging neckline and form-fitting black pants. 

After digging up matching shoes and putting on a touch of make-up, I exit my quarters to pick up my date. 

I press the doorchime, actually feeling a little nervous about going out in public with her. 

“Come in.” Kathryn shouts and the doors open in front of me. 

When I enter, she pokes her head around the corner of the bathroom door. “I’m running a little late, as usual.” She grins. 

I make my way over to the bathroom and lean against the doorjamb, watching her as she puts on her lipstick. 

She’s wearing a dark blue short dress, which brings out her ivory skin, the reddish streak in her hair and her catching blue eyes. 

“I’ve always loved you in that dress.” I smile dreamily.

Kathryn pauses her movements and frowns, turning her head to me.   
“I haven’t worn this dress in ages, and definitely not since your accident.” 

I tilt my head. “Are you sure?” 

Her eyebrows rise as she nods. 

I frown, because I remember seeing her in that dress, but try as I might, I don’t know where or when that was. 

Kathryn moves closer to me and takes my hand.   
“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah.” I mumble. “I think I remember you wearing it, but I’m not sure.” 

She searches my face. “What else do you remember?” 

I try to think for a minute, but come up blank and shrug. “Not much.” 

“So it’s not like your memory is back?” Kathryn inquires.

I shake my head and raise my hand to scratch it. I wince as I feel the bump on the back. 

“This morning I got decked by a power surge and hit my head when I was fixing Neelix’s stove.” I remember. “Maybe that has something to do with it?” 

“Did you go see the Doctor?” My lover asks concerned. 

“I’m fine.” I assure her. “Really.” I add, but the worry stays on her face.   
So I grin and grab her hand. “Are you ready for our night out?” 

Kathryn turns back to the mirror and checks her appearance. “Not yet.” 

I smile and stand behind her, circling my arms around her waist. “Mmm, you look fantastic.” 

She leans back against me and smiles to our mirror image. “We make a lovely couple, don’t we?” 

“This lovely couple will be late if we don’t go soon.” I grin. 

A couple of minutes later, we make our way onto the Holodeck, which has been transformed into a real theater for the evening. 

A lot of people have already arrived and I’m craning my neck to try and find two empty seats.   
I spot Tom and Harry in the audience and Tom raises his arm to wave me over. 

I gently grab my lover’s arm. “There are seats over there, with Tom and Harry.” 

Kathryn grins and leans closer to me. “You’re dating the Captain now, sweetheart.” She whispers in my ear. “You get the best seat in the house.”

She places her hand between my shoulder blades and guides me to the seats she had reserved. 

When I look over my shoulder and throw Tom a smirk, I see his eyes widen as he figures it out. 

I feel a bit giddy when I sit down next to my beautiful lover, feeling Tom’s eyes burn in my back. I quickly glance around and wonder who else has caught on by now. If anyone has, they’re being very polite about it, because I don’t notice anyone staring at us. 

Only minutes later, the lights dim, the curtain rises and the show begins.   
The story takes a swooping start and I’m surprised to see that the acting talent of Fred Ayala is actually pretty good.

Soon the audience around me is engrossed in the story and I secretly glance sideways to look at the face of my lover. Once again I’m amazed by the strong feelings she evokes in me. 

My eye falls on her dress and I wonder if I’m really starting to remember things from before my accident. I wouldn’t mind knowing more about the times Kathryn and I already shared together. 

Something funny must have happened on the stage because everyone around me bursts out in laughter, including my gorgeous lover. Her laughter is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard and I smile widely as she turns to me and grabs my hand. 

And suddenly, I don’t care if I ever regain my memory or not.   
Because I know beyond doubt that we will make new memories in our time to come that will make the old ones pale in comparison.


End file.
